No other reason than this - I have to write. I have to get it out before it finds a strength borne out of necessity. And what it needs is to rip the biological adhesive that attaches my brain to my skull. Considering that your brain simply sits in a bowl of bone, I've considered that this adhesive doesn't amount to a whole hell of a lot and that I'd better get my ass in gear in an attempt to dissolve this nameless fear before it dissolves my resolution, my being, and my seat of power; a little known throne that hosts a measly poet's soul corrupted by years of simultaneous living and dying. I've only small hope borne of a similar experience that this practice known as writing may squelch the pasty little bastard before he grabs hold of the reins.
For years I've used a myriad barrage of substances to calm, quell, and otherwise beleaguer this demonic presence. He's always there, if not always at work, and sometimes I catch him at nap. Those are the joyous times. While the cat is away, the mice shall play. Raging keggers; 3-day binge weekends in Vegas; Club 54 raves with type-A personalities and Happy Harry Hard Ons. Burning Man has nothing on this shit. This is the extreme up that allows for the flipside of despair that creates a manic by definition. Towards the end I allow myself a bit of maniacal laughter, fully aware that Dad is going to pull into the drive-way at any moment, drunk as fuck with a fresh leather belt to break in. Yes, this demon will exact revenge for every moment of revelry with blood, dreck and fears. As I sit there numb and recuperating from the sadistic load he's just blown all over me, I briefly contemplate getting off of this rollercoaster and evening out, as they say. While sometimes I consider actually doing just that, I have to allow reality to sink in and suffer the hard truth that I have no idea how to get off this ride, and so I take solace in the fact that I will, eventually, go back up and start the cycle ever-over-again.
Shades
A smoking cigarette
Dissolution
Of the mind's eye
that's right, downvote. all according to plan, mwuahaha