Every Monday is Therapy Monday. I hate Mondays. Thank god for daylogs. I went to therapy last night (duh). Every time I go, I get cold chills during the session that get worse and worse until my teeth are actually chattering together when I walk out the door. It always feels freezing outside and I stumble to the car, barely able to move, I'm so cold.
Anyway, I told off my therapist about the way she called me last week. I've been furious at her, my abusive mom, my molester grandfather, my ex-boyfriend who I still love, and I think that's it.
She basically called me to tell me there were problems with my bill and my insurance company. But first she asked how I was doing, rather then just get to the point. So, since I had just seen her the day before, and I had had a hellacious session, I thought she was calling to offer me a second session that week, or was truly worried about me.
Of course, she was just calling about the stupid bill. Confirming my new belief that all people are just in a relationship for what they can get out of it.
Now I realize that she IS in it for the money, duh, that's no problem. But I don't need phony sympathy from my therapist (who has never called me before no matter how bad the session) when she is really calling about a bill. And I just don't believe she really cares about me! So I don't want her to act like she does. That's what pissed me off, she was acting like so many mature adults, being phony and hypocritical about stuff.
Which is why I don't trust them, and I'd rather spend time with teenagers and children, because I believe they tend to be more open and honest with me. I don't know if it's true, but I've received thousands and thousands of incidents of more pain and betrayal from adults who supposedly loved me than I ever have from any children or teenagers.
Anyway, she told me she thought I had a problem with scripts. That I basically wrote a script in my head about what I expected people to do, and if they didn't live up to it, then I would be disappointed. That pissed me off. She also has told me that I'm rigid, and tend to see things in black and white. Well, DUH-HUH!! I have MPD, bitch, what the fuck do you think? That I don't have any goddam problems? Stupid bitch. I have no idea what she is talking about, scripting my life, because when I asked about what I thought would be an example, she said no, not really. So I don't fucking know. And right now - don't really care one bit.
I hate this integration shit. If I could do it any other way, or not do it and still be a functional human being, I sure as shit would. This is so painful, it's like compressing the pain of at least half of my entire life into a few months. It hurts way more than I ever thought it could possibly hurt. I will probably lose everyone who ever cared about me in my life except my children, who I have evilly bound to me in a Satanic plot called motherhood.