Well, last night I was feeling sad. I could feel it welling up in me, missing M. A friend was supposed to come over for dinner, so I was glad about that distraction. But she had to reschedule - so I fixed my dinner and ate it, alone. Then I went into the kitchen to clean up and found myself eating another cup of rice, standing up at the kitchen counter, telling myself to stop the whole time.
It's amazing how fast I can let this disease just knock me over! I thought I was doing well - I guess I forgot that I have a reprieve when I surrender, but not a cure from this disease. I haven't read any material for a week, so I'm sure that's contributed. I was doing so well, too. Well, I've gotten back up, and brushed myself off. I am considering that a wake up call, so I am taking heed and paying attention! I surrendered everything - everything - before I even got out of bed this morning.
I feel very sad today. I miss M. I have this big hole where my heart used to be. It's as deep as my soul. I am so sad. I want him to hold me close. I miss him so much; we used to chat at least once a day, even if only for a minute. I have lost my best friend. There's a country song with a line in it that I love - love's the only house big enough for all the pain in the world.
But I'm clearer every day about the reasons for my leaving him. If I was tired, just low energy, say on a Friday, after working hard all week and not quite getting enough sleep all week, and all I wanted to do was snuggle or watch a movie with him, I felt fine being with him. But if I wanted to do anything more, ANYthing! then (1) I would have to initiate it (2) deal with his reluctance and hesitation and (3) it felt like I had to bolster enough energy to get him motivated as well as myself. This got really old. I felt dragged down by his presence. Even a walk was a drag. And a party? I invited him to at least 8 parties over the year - he attended 2, with hesitations, backdowns, and excuses for all the others.
I don't know - then I had to hear constantly about how late I was, all the time, when in the past 6 months, he would always be at least 30 minutes late picking me up. Meanwhile, I was late less and less and less. One time he was an hour and a half late - didn't call, or anything.
And he never really communicated much to me in terms of what was going on with him, emotionally, I felt. He would say things from an abstract, unemotional place about his "insights" and "this time I've hit bottom" but no emotions on his face, no emotion in his voice. I saw him cry only once this year. It was almost surreal, I've never seen him cry before.
But through all of this - he was always very supportive, loving and giving to me. He was always available if I needed to talk. He was wonderful and warm to me, consistently. He was 100% unconditional love - to me, if not anyone else.