I am mostly offended at activities that occurred, meaning happened, to me in the recent times as in today. There is a holiday that some of you good people may or may not be aware of that is celebrated here in Baltimore and I am led to believe elsewhere in cities of America at the end of October called Halloween. Usually I am happy to embrace this holiday as the staff of Civil War Action Figures, Ltd. usually has a Halloween party at a bar near our offices which is decorated in spooky fashion do to this holiday which is about celebrating spooks. Now, the date of this holiday is October 31st and often they will arrange for little kids in cute costumes to parade around the neighborhood begging for unpoisoned candy by ringing the bell and saying "Trick or Treat" on the weekend night close to the Halloween holiday. If October 31st, which is Halloween, happens on a Wednesday they sometimes have the kids roam around on the following Friday or perhaps the previous Saturday depending on whether there is a presidential election or not because two scary events in one night is not kind to those in Baltimore who have heart issues such as possibility of heart attack due to fright.
Now, whether you are aware or not of the particulars of this Halloween holiday which may or may not be limited to the Baltimore area, there are certain elements of the holiday which must be followed. The first is that it involves night time. Many of the costumes and activities are ghoulish in nature and therefore absolutely must happen after dark because everyone knows that real ghouls don't like the sun because the sun belongs to the Christian religion which they abhor. The second is that even if they move the celebration to a weekend night to help make sure kids pass their history tests, the celebration must happen in such a way that it reflects the date of the holiday, which as I have noted is October 31st. Those of you in Cleveland might be confused as I was recently told no one in Cleveland has any idea what Halloween is and all the months have only 28 days in Cleveland, which is odd in my book.
Now, today is Monday and it is during the morning hours as I am sipping my morning coffee and reading in the newspaper about the World Series game when my doorbell rings. It is during the day this happens and almost an entire week before the October 31st date when Halloween is penciled in, pending review by the Department of Homeland Security (as of this writing no changes have been made). So, the doorbell rings again and I go to the door in my bathrobe and slippers to see what the matter is. I think enough to anticipate that it may be a person trying to sell me something and as a man who sells action figures modelled after Civil War persons (none of which have been manufactured yet - but sales is about money, not about actual production mind you), I always hear out salesmen.
There are two persons at the door and they are dressed in spooky clothes and I am not knowing what to do because I know it is completely the wrong time, i.e. too far in front of the Halloween holiday and too early in the morning, for "Trick or Treat." I stare at them and they stare at me and we do not say any words to each other for many seconds before I finally break the silence by saying, "Can I help you?" This is a normal phrase to say under the circumstances.
"Lost me arm," says one of the two spooky persons, who have very pale skin and are wearing dirty trenchcoats and blue jeans with a lot of holes in them and no shoes or socks. Then he shakes the empty arm of his coat at me and makes a sad face. I ask him what he wants me to do and I ask him if he was in the war, but he says no and just says, "Lost me arm" again. I feel that this is an improper exchange I am having so I tell him I need to get ready to go to work and try to close the door in his face without any politeness.
Instead of taking my obvious hint of disinterest in continued conversations, they throw their bodies against the door and push me back into my home. I am an older man and I am bald, so I was not able to resist very much and also fell on my behind. They came into my home, making a lot of mumbling noises and groaning like a deaf woman in the heat of carnal passion as they stepped over my body and started knocking my things around in my home. They are looking for something and I am feeling a fright because these are questionable persons who have forced their way into my home without an invitation and I don't want them doing what they are doing, which is a lot of random swinging around and breaking of valuable items such as my serving dish for green beans and other items similar to green beans.
As they spend almost ten minutes breaking many of the things in my home, where I live alone on account of having gone nearly twelve years without receiving oral pleasure upon my genitals from a woman, I have time to right myself and stand up against them. However, my age and baldness begin to interfere with my ability to resist again and I start crying. This appears to bother them. When they see me crying they stop breaking things and come towards me again, seeing I am now standing. The individual of the two who complained of armlessness grabs my arm and starts trying to pull it out of my body, perhaps thinking it will be a suitable replacement for his own, but my arm does not come out of my body with ease. They see that there is a problem with this plan of theirs, at which point they grab me by my bathrobe and start dragging my out of my home and into the street. This is the point at which I became more scared than any point earlier in the day.
I see my neighbor, Mr. Henderson, out on his front steps and I call to him for assistance. He does not look like he is feeling very well and at that point I wonder if he will be of much help to me, as he may have the flu and even though he is normally strong as an ox and can carry heavy loads from one place to another, the flu might slow him down considerably. He comes towards me and my two enemies who are dragging me without any concern for my well being or my wishes and then stops and stares at me. He apparently has a very bad flu, as he has no color in his face and his nose is running quite a bit. He looks at me with sad eyes and then goes back to his house and I make a mental note to speak to him at a later time about his lack of helpfulness in my time of need.
The events that are transpiring, meaning happening, are starting to make me very angry and while crying like a baby I begin to struggle with all my strength against my enemies. As I pull away from one of the foes, his arm comes out of his body with the hand of the arm still clamping tightly onto my arm. I am able to get free of the enemies, but now this arm is attached to me by a gripping hand and this is cause for what the young people of today like to call "freaking out." I run into some bushes, even though I know it is a place where dogs do their business, and crouch down in the hopes they will not see me here. I also make a concentrated effort to remove the grippy hand from my arm, but there is no winning this battle and it is obvious to me that my foes have more than one or two things wrong with them as normally I think that a grippy hand would release once the arm attached to the grippy hand is no longer attached to a person's body unless somehow rigor mortis is involved and the timing is perfect.
I am not aware of what to do at this point, so I stay crouched low in the dog poop and bushes, waiting for rescue from law enforcement or someone with courage. My two enemies walk off in the other direction, obviously not able to have common sense which would have led them to my hiding place without too much trouble. After they are far away down the road, I come out of the bushes and attempt to go back to my house, but I see Mr. Henderson again and he is with two associates who also appear to have the flu. They are accompanied by a woman, who not only appears to have the very bad flu due to lack of flu shot availability, but she is carrying her head in her hands which makes no sense to me because she is able to stumble about with Mr. Henderson and associates without her head properly mounted to the neck moorings. Although I am not a medical professional, I believe nine out of ten physicians would agree that the head must be in the neck moorings in order to continue forward mobility and friendship with others.
I managed to get back to my home and close and lock the door. Even though I was doing a lot of crying and whimpering, I was still able to move much faster than these people who have the bad flu. I barricaded my door out of fear and blocked all my windows and now I am inside my home using the computer to ask for help. If there is anyone in the Baltimore area who does not have the bad flu who can help me, please contact me at my home number. I am in the book under Berhardt Goates but I have a block on the line to prevent calls from telemarketers so don't call from a telemarketing number or I won't receive your call. Help me. Thank you.