Monday, December 23, 2002, 11pm
to the people who affected me today
To you, who woke me roughly, who caused me to see the light of day. I love you, I hate you, I can't live without you. I have so much and so little to say. I will never leave your side. I never have. I give you my oath and compromise so much in the saying, but I promised my best, and you have it. I love you. I know you know that I know that. We will figure out what is making things tough between us right now. I will forever need you. If you're ever gone, I'll be truly a lost one.
To you, who wore the bright blue business suit and smiled in all your polished wonderfulness, I'm sorry I'll never understand your game. You've got a chance, maybe. My (and your soon to be) boss is a gullible man sometimes, but you will pay in your own way. And tolerance is necessary. Tolerance is imperative, my lady, my newest acolyte, my next responsibility.
To you, who answered the phone every time I called you today. To you, who stayed on the phone as I walked up that one street, and just afterwards, when I left. To you, who met me and hugged me in sunlight and exchanged gifts. To you, so much to be said. But I won't say it here.
To you, who wasn't home. I brought the roses and card and letter, and left them in your mailbox. I noticed that you changed the decal in the back window of that grey volkswagen van. I know you did it for me. Thank you. I will try not to look for it every time I see a passing car. To you, of whom moments, days, weeks, months, over a year has passed and no words have been spoken. To you, who will keep squeezing my hand in thought as we live our parallel lives. It was so hard to walk away today... and I ran down the hill a ways before I could muster the energy to become perfect again. Yes, to you,
I miss you, damn you for being so damn amazing.
To you, cute goth girl, the person I always thought I wouldn't become. You seem to be the person I might've been if I'd gotten what I'd wanted every time through life. With a twist. You wore pink and red, and you'd dyed your hair black, just like I always wanted to. And you were wearing my belt, the one I never wear. And you smoked. I always knew I'd never smoke. But you smiled at me often, and you had the nose I always wanted to have, and the type of skin that tans easily. You wore pink though, and that's the most ironic. I adore you, figment of my day.
To you, who was beautiful and sparkly, and materialistic, someone I can't imagine becoming like, in any way. You, the icon of beauty.. I cannot see myself that way, it's been said I have elegance, grace. I won't change my hair for you. I won't date your son because you asked. I won't befriend your step-daughter if it's your wish. I'll do those things if and when I will. Your presence in the world is very important, and you may not leave. I will find a way to steady you, to make you strong, to help you find your way through all of this plastic. Everyone loves you. To you, and the gold box I won't open until the 25th.
To you, and to candles, incense, and lacquerware. To you, who gave me
secrets and advice, who helped me with the finding of gifts, and offered assistance of any sort. To you, who are always classy and elegant, who always looks good in a suit.
To you, who made me smile. Too much. We drank coffee, and tea, and ate brie and bread, and more tea, and oh my. You are a fantastic character, the type that never dies in my eyes. You will always smile to me. Through life and loss and everything else that may be. To you, worldly and fantastical, not nearly enough books, but the ones you have are the best sort. I love your statues, and your attitude towards life. Yes, to you, the reason I now have Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam in my possession for the time being. You, who changed me today. Cheers.
work in progress.