It's a sad state of affairs that the modern consumer-driven confectionery market finds itself in. Witness the latest piece of ill-researched folly brought to us by those nice people at Mars, the Triple Choc Twix.

Basic research on confectionary will tell us one thing: chocolate is good. And the obvious conclusion, as your first year marketing undergrad will tell you without hesitation, is that the best thing in the world would be as much chocolate as possible.

Enter the Triple Choc Twix. Evidently heady from last year's success with the (extremely tasty, I might add) Mint Twix, the Mars marketing department, cocksure and confident, have brought us this nasty little piece of confectionary. All the familiar Twix elements are there. Yes, there's the outer covering of milk chocolate. Yes, there's the crunchy biscuit (which also give the twix much of it's structural rigidity), and the chewy caramel. But throughout the whole thing, through biscsuit and caramel, it's permeated with yet more chocolate. It's the perfect complement to the modern conumers' "Gimme everything! Gimme it now!" demands for instant gratification. It's a microcosm of society. Some might even go so far as to call it evil.

Now, I don't know much about sweeties, but I do know what I like. And I like my sweeties, and food in general to have a bit of variety, and a degree of subtlety. The triple choc twix is about as subtle as a house brick. The same thing applies to triple choc cookies. "How, " I find myself asking, "the fuck am I supposed to appreciate the chocolateiness of the chocolate, without some baseline non-chocolatiness to compare it to?". I want a snack exprience that gives me more than just cocoa overload and sugar poisoning. I don't want something that compromises all that it is, all that it should be, just to cram more chocolate into my diet. Frankly I'd rather have a crunchy frog.

True, a simple bar of chocolate might be accused of the same thing: it's just chocolate, pure and simple. But at the same time, the pure simplicity of it is what makes it so good. It's chocolate. That's what it's supposed to be. It's the nature of the thing. The nature of a Twix should be chocolate and biscuit and caramel.

Also, I've been informed by those that have actually ingested one of these foul things that they are 'fucking awful'. I'm not one to argue.


15:09 <call> ATTENTION Y'ALL. A a feat of inestimable daring, I am about to CONSUME a Triple Choc Twix. Don't touch that dial.
15:10 Imprecation has a syringe full of adrenaline on standby for call.
15:10 <fuzzie> call: For the love of god, don't do it!
15:10 <allseeingeye> call - stick a gun in your mouth - its more healthly
15:10 mblase hands on call's every word
15:11 <call> Observation on opening package: squishy. Smells chocolatey. Has made no attempt on oberver's life. Yet.
15:11 Oolong does an excited drum roll for call.
15:12 <call> I've broken a bit off and shal now proceed to taste.
15:13 <call> Hmm. Well... it's certainly chocolatey. The biscuit element
15:15 <call> Slight irregularities of vision. Shaking of hands, observed. Suspect unrelated.