we’re rotten fruit
we’re damaged goods
what the hell we’ve got nothing more to lose
one gust and we will probably crumble
we’re backdrifting
I'm back in therapy.
I'd stopped going back about three years ago. I'd had a year left in college, was being, well, emotionally abused by a guy who, frankly, I just don't want to talk about, but who was persuasive enough (and I was stupid enough) to convince me I didn't need therapy. But I did need therapy.
I was also just frustrated with the direction of the sessions. I was fine! I wasn't suicidal anymore! And besides, what does she know about how I'm doing? She's just some rich doctor who went to the University of Pennsylvania. She doesn't know what real life is like! I don't need therapy! But I did need therapy.
this far but no further
i’m hanging off a branch
i’m teetering on the brink
oh Honeysweet
so full of sleep
i’m backsliding.
My mind, my mood, my soul (if there is one) bounces around more than a pinball. And finally I went crashing on Sunday. Many things set it off--frustration with my job, my roommates, health issues, "artistic" issues. And on Sunday, as I tried to simply move some junk over to my parents' place (seeing as I'm moving at the end of the month), as I stood there in the hallway, near the door, and they saw something was wrong with me...
you fell into our arms
we tried but there was nothing we could do
nothing we could do
I broke. I started crying and I couldn't stop. I babbled. Self loathing. Anger. Frustration. They didn't know what to do. My mother sat down and talked with me. I explained that I've tried to shake it, I've tried to distract myself from being depressed and angry but I couldn't do it anymore. It was spilling over, tainting everything I enjoy, poisoning my relationship, ruining my mind. And that this wasn't the first time, but that I'd been like this my whole life, bouncing from a normal flatline to long periods of depression. I can't take it anymore.
all evidence has been buried
all tapes have been erased
but your footprints give you away
so you’re backtracking
So today I started. I'm kinda broke, so I'm going to the university counseling center. And the session went well, all introductory stuff, though I was certainly nervous. So now I want to get to the bottom of this. Because it keeps coming back. It never really goes away. And if this can be treated, if there's a way to get through this, I want to try. Because I can't live like this anymore. And I don't want to die because of it.
you fell into our arms
we tried but there was nothing we could do
nothing we could do
So for all of you who think psychology and therapy are loads of bullshit, try walking in my shoes, and let's see what you think then.
we’re rotten fruit
we’re damaged goods
what the hell we’ve got nothing more to lose
one gust and we will probably crumble
we’re backdrifters
"Backdrifts"
~~Radiohead~~
~~Hail To the Thief~~