Today the sum of my existance
was equal to nothing more than lines, midpoint
s, and intersecting lines. A complex human existance defragment
ed into a myriad of lines and pathways, unfolded like a map
before me - directing me to a shadow of an answer, a small forward step in the progression of my timeline
To totally understand what this defragmentation feels like...one would have to experience it for themselves...to personalize their immediate reality, and to allow their ego to be taken apart and analyze the specific parts that incorporate their inner reality. But for your sake and mine, I'll just describe it.
It begins approximately 45 minutes after midnight. The surrounding air chilled, almost crystalline, however...the outside conditions become null. The sensation of a wave pulses throughout my body, not quite comprehending this wave - I await the next, it will be the first of an armada of sensations. Next comes a familiar feeling, like a memory long forgotten- a cocoon of silken energy encapsulates my being. This is the begining of an ascencion to a higher state - a metamorphosis of what was, into what is, and finally emerging from the chrysallis to represent what will be.
From here, the steep climb into beauty is exhilirating, it bounds, leaps, and surges ever upward, ever towards a point of light. This light comes nearer, draws closer, seems within attainable reach, and then fades off into an unseen horizon. This light strobes in my existance, teasing my conscious and sub-conscious, with images and promises of a new being - an existance that has been released of its own fear and barriers.
The Defragmentation of The Self Begins here - I cannot turn back. This is where I must decide, why? What can I find within myself? Why do I exist? And, how does my existance equate within this beautiful function of life. I turn the handle to the door of Fate, and walk into myself. To finally see my true self is liberating, but while I have liberation, my true self is entombed in a cocoon of fear, hatred, sadness, insecurity, doubt, yet this cocoon emanates a light. This light warms my soul (my physical body has long descended into a temprorary null state.) This light is hope. A word which at the time seems as foreign to me as any type of perception of space/time.
For a time, I reside within the shrine of my soul. A sacred place, quiet, peaceful, yet at the same time strangely frightening. For the prospect that I must indeed face my demons in a place so isolated and lonely, is enough to send me relapsing into reality. But within this lonely expanse, voices can be heard, voices that permeate this state of suspended existance, telling me to continue, to press on.
This phantasmagoric voices that seem to radiate from the fogs of my mind, are people I know. My friends. They are there to help break the cocoon, to help my inner self become a perfect, simple being. They are the defragmentation itself. The need to be near them, the need to see their faces and hear their voices - and to once again prove that
I exist in a pure state to them. And that is enough. The strength invoked into me by them, those who wish to see me free, and together break the seal on a fragmented soul, uniting opposite pieces and melding complimentary ones.
The final stage of the transformation is nearing. One last preparation must be taken. One last question asked, and one last trial tested. In a world of lines and angles, does one dare to have a non linear surface? How important is your inner self? And how important do you percieve yourself to be? These questions all asked...my answer...
To be myself in a world which does not want me to be, I would rather be more susceptible to pain and torment, but because my friends are with me, all is right in the world.
And so with this flash of insight, I yell into my being. Demanding that I be allowed to be true to myself. Demanding into the heart of the beast within, that I be allowed to hope and pursue and dream any wish my heart can formulate. The cocoon splits - life sparkling outward, outward towards darkness. Repelling darkness, and allowing my being to spread its wings of enlightenment, stretching beyond the farthest horizon, and staying deep within myself. The butterfly that is my new existance, glimmers with hope - a hope that carries this newly born being far into the reaches of existance.