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This happened to a man I knew in the Army. Before going to boot camp at Fort Benning, Georgia, new recruits spend an undetermined amount of time in what's called reception battalion. This is where they teach you how to shine your boots and polish floors, while you wait for an open space in basic training. It's sort of like a big waiting room, and it can last a very long time. I spent three weeks in Reception Battalion.
The living quarters were enormous as we were divided into large groups while waiting. Each open bay was filled with about 100 double bunks in four rows. We shared an equally large communal bathroom with 10 or 15 toilets and about 20 sinks. In a bunk on the end of the row slept an individual who's name was Blaho. No joke, that was his last name. He was "special". The kind of guy that didn't really have any handicap but must have come from a VERY close family.
One evening Blaho allegedly rose from his bunk just after lights out and crossed over to the bunk in front of his. Blaho then asked the bunks occupant if he had any "jack-off cream". Presumably Blaho was feeling froggy and needed release. The other man, who's name escapes me, told Blaho to come back in a few seconds and he would see would he could find. Soldiers are very helpful when a compatriot is in need.
Upon Blaho's return he was offered a healthy squeeze from a tube that was unidentifiable in the dark. Blaho returned to his bunk with his prize and began to tent his blanket.
As he performed his solitary task his bunk began to squeak with his exertions. This activity alerted the Fire Guard, who responded by jerking the blanket from Blaho’s bunk and exclaiming, "What the hell are you doing!".
Blaho, to his credit never missed a beat. He looked in the Fire Guards eyes and replied, "Uh... Uh, It's starting to, Uh... Burn. It burns! Owowowow!"
Blaho lept from his bunk, and in an astonishing display of frantic movement, careened towards the latrine while trying to fan some cooling oxygen over his assualted genitalia. Upon reaching the latrine, he attempted to flop his penis into the sink and run some presumably cooling water over his enflamed manhood.
He succeeded, the water made the burning worse, or so I presume because he immediately fell to the floor and curled into a screaming fetal ball of crying and shivering muscle spasms. He remained that way for some time.
Later after his recovery we discovered that his accomplice had given him Ben-Gay as a lubricant, thinking it would be funny. Well it was actually. Blaho, in his defense claimed that he "thought it was toothpaste". To this day I don't understand how that would have made it any better.
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