I told my dad on the phone that I have some stuff to deal with before I want to attempt a relationship with him. I then met with him later and talked it over a bit more... which was good, to my surprise.
I have a lot of issues with him and the relationship I have with him currently is, at best, fake and unfulfilling for both parties. So he wanted to know why I felt that way and I told him. I also gained insight into him.
His
childhood was the
worst ever. Like worst case scenario bad; the details of which I am glad to not know. I learned that he thinks he 'asked for it'... he must have done something terrible in a
past life. When he told me that I could not help but feel as though all
religion is tailored to suit what we want, that none of it is real. Of course such horrible things aren't supposed to happen to an innocent boy; so he must have done something to deserve it. And there is
philosophy based on that principal, and probably every other principal I want to address.
He seemed so small to me.
And then he asked me something, something I will hate him for forever...
"Do you think you would have been better off if your mother and I had the happy marriage? If we were still together?"
My mind screamed NO because I know I am stronger and more resourceful for it, but I wanted to give him a big "fuck you, what do you want, a goddamned THANK-YOU?" ...asshole. It makes me a better person; a writer, a director... people need angst to be creative.
Anyway, thus the beginning of healing myself in that regard. It is long past due.
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind has me. I love it.