- Cup your hand, with your thumb apart from your fingers.
- Place one chopstick in between your thumb and fingers, resting it against the base of your index finger and the tip of your ring finger.
- Place the second chopstick parallel with the first, and hold it with your thumb and index and middle fingers, as you would a pencil.
- Get the ends even by tapping them on the table. Now keeping the bottom chopstick stationary, move the top one by flexing your index and middle fingers up and down.
- Practice until you can bring the tips of the sticks together easily.
- Look across the table at the person whose residence you've invaded. Space the sticks about an inch or so apart.
- In one quick, fluid motion, stab the heathen through both of his or her eyeballs. Screaming, "REPENT!" or "THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!" at this time is also helpful.
- Be sure to enjoy the tasty Chinese food they've thoughtfully prepared for you. Don't forget to leave literature!
Source: Awake! magazine with minor embellishments.
This was a whole lot funnier when just the Awake! segment was posted... oh well. So it goes.
Why are there so many opinions on how to operate chopsticks, anyway?