Saturday morning, after a grand night of booze and associating morally questionable women, I am awoken by the doorbell. My eyes open, slowly coming into focus on the 7:30 in red LED on my alarm clock. The doorbell rings again. Pulling my robe from the hook on the door, I make my way down the stairs, finish a quick knot and open the door. There they are, ties and bicycles and beaming smiles.

"Hi, we're from the church of latter-day saints..."

"Good, then come back, LATTER today"

"But sir, don't you want eternal life?"

"Not if I have to spend it with you people"


"What I wouldn't give for a pit full of lions".