1) LIVE IN AN OPPRESSIVE REGIME
Naturally you're not ging to win many supporters around the world if you
rebel against a benevolent and easy-going regime. It might be necessary for
would-be revolutionaries to either, a)move to another, less pleasent country
or b) campaign in the behalf of those who would oppress us in order that
they might be overthrown on the glorious day of the revolution.
2) BE A POWER MAD LOONEY
With a few noteable exceptions, most revolutionaries are monomaniacal
For goodness sake, get a grip on yourself.
It's no good wanting to merely change the world, you've got to want TO
3) CHANGE YOUR NAME
You'll never get anywhere as plain old Vladimir Ilych Ulyanov, Ernesto
Guevera de la Serna, or Fidel Castro.
You've got to be Lenin
or Che Guevara
or, ah, Fidel Castro...damn
4) GROW A BEARD OR MOUSTACHE
Go for orignality so that it can be named after you (like the Zapata
A bit tough if you're a woman, sorry.
Still, if you're a recourceful revolutionary woman - you'll think of
5) FIND AN IMPENETRABLE POLITICAL DOCTIRNE
All revolutionaries believe passionately in something.
All the really good revolutionaries believe passionately in something that
noone else understands and talk about it in confident tones at revolutionary
To those that would challenge them they say, "Pah, what would know, your
mind is controlled by the (insert derogatory name of oppressive regime
here). you will never understand until your mind is free."
Then they stroke their beards and affect a thoughtful, far away look.
Tip: Do your research carefully and make sure you pick a philosophy that
contradicts the present regime or you'll look a bit silly at rallies.
"We believe in freedom, equality and justice for all", you cry.
"So does the government", says a voice from the back and everyone goes home
6) FIND YOURSELF A POWERFUL ALLY
Once you've got yourself a political stance, try to find a government
somewhere that agrees with you and get them to sponsor your revolution.
Beware of deals that simply involve putting the country's name on your
revolutionary uniforms and go for someting that involves weapons and
Following the break-up of the Soviet Union it's a bit tough for communist
rebels to find the sort of support they used to be able to rely on, but the
CIA still has plenty of cash floating about if you fancy trying to overthrow
a communist regime.
You could probably persuade the CIA to help you overthrow anyone - they
haven't much to do these days.
7) INFLAME LOTS OF EASILY-LED GUN-TOTING DOLTS WITH YOUR FIERY RHETORIC
8) STORM THE WINTER PALACE
Or other easily recognisable symbol of the regime's power.
9) SET UP THE NEW ORDER
Begin by placing all your friends in positions of power and announcing free
10) KILL YOUR FRIENDS
It's no good having all those revolutionary types around you - you can't
trust anyone who helped to overthrow a government.
11) SURROUND YOURSELF WITH OBEDIENT LACKEYS
Appoint yes-men into the positions of power and move into the presidential
12) CANCEL THE ELECTIONS
And proclaim yourself president for life.