As I sit here worrying about a good friend of mine of the opposite sex who I'm rather attracted to (she's apparently falling for some guy she's never met but has talked to online and it seems as though she's going to meet him etc, which falls into my box of "usually shitty ideas"), I can't help but wonder why I care. Not about her, but anything in general. In the past few months I've lost my entire
drive,
will to learn, and
confidence. I think daily about my ex who I can say with 99% assurance will never get back together with me, much less talk to me, regardless of how much I
love her,
miss her, and
care about her. I've become completely
apathetic to the world.
This can't be a good thing, but I can't break it. I want to study CS and learn to program games/software because it's a field I enjoy, but I can't even bring myself to study for the classes that will get me the degree or just study in general to learn how to code in whatever language. I would love to ask out the afformentioned female, but for whatever reason can't bring myself to do it. Perhaps I don't want to take a chance on ruining our friendship, but I think it would probably work out - I just don't think she agrees with that. I've become lazy, sluggish, and pretty much worthless. That and I seem to be sounding like a whiny little bitch at the moment, I'll try to amend that.
One could easily argue that I'm still down from my
breakup in January with the one woman I've ever
considered marrying which is true, but it shouldn't affect me in these ways. I shouldn't allow it to.
Screw, even my writing is going to hell. I've never had trouble expressing my thoughts on paper/word pad but I seem to be tonight so I'll just shut up and hope the person that follows me is more upbeat.