In an alternate universe, the following appears on The Guardian's webpage on June 25, 2004:
Beckham Lynched
LISBON -
David Beckham,
English football star and former national
icon, had the ever-loving crap beat out of him upon arriving at
Heathrow Airport this morning, following a missed
penalty kick that cost
England their
quarter-final Euro 2004 match against
Portugal.
"
Shit!" remarked Beckham, prior to receiving the first in a prolonged series of repeated blows to the
head,
torso, and
groin area. The beating lasted approximately 20 minutes, after which Beckham was dragged by his mangled limbs around the
terminal and finally deposited on a nearby
baggage carousel.
Added Beckham, "Aaaaaaaarrgh!"
With the score locked at 2-2 after
extra time,
England and
Portugal went to penalty kicks to break the tie. Beckham shot first for England, sending his kick over the
crossbar and dooming himself to what one observer described as "
one hell of an arse-kicking."
Portugal went on to win the penalty round 6-5, thereby eliminating the
English squad from the
tournament and leaving
British fans with
no source of entertainment for the remainder of the summer other than reruns of
Coronation Street.
Doctors estimate that Beckham will require at least six months of
recovery time before he is able to play again; meanwhile,
investigators have placed the property damage figures at somewhere around
£8,000, approximately £5,000 of which will go towards replacing Beckham's
manicure.
---
(Actually I have nothing against
David Beckham (and I quite like the
BBC), but I don't think he's terribly popular in
England at the moment. On a related note, an audio recording of one
Portuguese commentator's reaction to the final
goal of the match can be found
here - I personally like the little song he sings).