Maybe Someday the Night Fears Will Leave me Alone
But for now I am left laying here, rather curled here, as I am in the fetal position. Every night I curl here in the dark shaking, crying, or staring at the wall- sometimes all three. During the day I am safe, sunshine and people keep the troubles of the night from accosting me. The dim light from my laptop screen isn't enough to keep them at bay- not this late at night.
It is the same thing every night:
I sit there typing away, hoping if I ignore them they will go away. They refuse to be ignored, then I can feel them clawing, crawling at my ankles. This time the one named Doubt has managed to climb up onto the sofa, where it launches itself at me. I can feel Doubt's cruel claws digging into my back, whispering evil things in my ear.
"You think you love him, don't you?" He hisses sarcastically.
"You're fooling yourself, slut. You don't really love him at all- you know who your real love is and you stay, stay with the wrong man because he might provide a better future. You selfish, material bitch you! Using that innocent boys emotions as a tool, just to give you the stability you never had!"
"Shutup!" I scream, grabbing Doubt and throwing him off.
"I love John, Brad is nothing to me but a friend! He’s a goddamned drinking buddy! You think he matters to me?”
Doubt skulks off, injured by my attack. But Doubt has weakened me, and the others can sense it. Loathing slithers up my bare legs, his scaly skin rough and scratchy. Wrapped about my upper arm, Loathing stares me in the face. I feel his eyes burning into me, I know everything he will say.
"You're pathetic. You have no job, no money, you aren't even trying. You say you are, but like the rest of your life, its a lie! You use your friends for money, for rides. You use your so-called love for whatever you want. You give him sex and say its love, just so you can share his wallet." He hisses...
"Then, you just stand there as True Love looks on, his soul drying to dust. Scum! Cold, calculating, self-centered-bitch, you are not worth the meager love your parents gave you!" Loathing tightens its coils, refusing to be thrown off as easily as Doubt. I cry out in pain, tears sliding away from my bloodshot eyes. His forked tongue drips acid on my skin,
"You know it, you aren't worthy of the love either of them give you... you know it and you try to ignore it. You have convinced John that Brad is just a friend and Brad sits at home, lonely and dying inside because of you!You are disgusting. A sick, evil little whore!"
The tears flow freely as Loathing suffocates me with his coils. Satisfied for now, Loathing gives one last squeeze, uncoils, and slithers over to the corner where his red eyes glare with hatred back at me.
No longer patient, Despair follows me to bed, stalking me in the shadows of the hall. Climbing the ornate bedpost Despair crawls under the sheets with me. All night I feel its hot breath on my neck as he clings to every inch of me, wracking my body with pain. Silent, unlike the others, Despair stays with me even into my dreams. He chases me through my sleep and gnashes his teeth at me, biting and tearing me apart when he catches me. Sunrise chases him away, to hide with the others under my bed.
I do hope today isn't cloudy.