What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
A. The viola burns longer.
B. The viola holds more beer.
C. You can tune the violin.

What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist?
The seamstress tucks up the frills.

- Why is a viola solo like premature ejaculation?
Because even when you know it's coming, there's nothing you can do about it.

Why do violists leave their instrument cases on the dashboards of their cars?
A. So they can park in "handicapped" parking places.
B. If someone mistakes them for Mafia, they might get some respect.

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a crushed viola in the road?
Skid marks before the skunk.

How do you get a violin to sound like a viola?
Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.

If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?
A. The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.
B. Who cares?

A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. Which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.

What is the range of a viola?
As far as you can kick it.

Why are violas so large?
It's an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large; just that the viola players' heads are so small.

What's the difference between a chain saw and a viola?
If you absolutely had to, you could use a chain saw in a string quartet.

Why do violists get antsy when they see the Kama Sutra?
All those positions!

If you're lost in the desert, what do you aim for? A good viola player, a bad viola player or an oasis?
The bad viola player. The other two are only figments of your imagination.

Why shouldn't you drive off a cliff in a mini-van with three violas in it?
You could fit in at least one more.

How many violists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They're not small enough to fit.

Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording?
Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.

What instrument do violists envy most?
The harp. You only ever have to play pizzicato on open strings.

What is the difference between a violist and a prostitute?
A. A prostitute knows more than two positions.
B. Prostitutes have a better sense of rhythm.

What is the similarity between a violist and a prostitute?
Both are paid to fake climaxes.

How do you get a dozen violists to play in tune?
A. Shoot 11 of them.
B. Shoot all of them.

How do you call a violist with two brain cells?

Why do violists have pea-sized brains?
Because alcohol has swelled them.

How many violists does it take to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies?
Ten. One to stir the batter and nine to peel the M&M's.

What is the longest viola joke?
Harold in Italy

How do you transcribe a violin piece for viola?
Divide the metronome marking by 2.

How do you keep a violist from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
note: this is also one of the dead baby jokes.

Haven't had enough? Then off to the musical instruments metanode! Yay!

So the orcestra is on tour but the conductor takes sick. A call is sent out to the members of the orchestra to see if anyone can conduct. That evening one of the violist's comes up and says that he can conduct. He takes over and is brilliant, every show for the three months that it takes the conductor to recover the violist is conducting a storm. Eventually the conductor returns and the violist goes back to his partner who says, where have you been for the last three months?.

How do you know if a viola player is playing out of tune?

The bow is moving.

How do you make a violist play a passage "pianissimo tremolando"?
Mark it "solo".

What is a burning violin good for?
Setting a viola on fire.

How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
They never hit the same place twice.

What's the definition of a minor 2nd?
Two violists playing in unison.

What's the difference between first and second viola?
A. About half a bar.
B. About half a tone.

How are the Beatles like the viola section of a symphony?
They haven't played together since the seventies.

Why are violist's ears sought after for transplants?
They've never been used.

Why shouldn't Violists take up mountain climbing?
If they get lost, no one will notice and come looking for them.

What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a viola?
A vacuum cleaner has to be plugged in before it sucks.

What's the difference between a Viola and a TV dinner?
The viola doesn't fit in a microwave oven. (Unless you break the neck off)

What's the difference between a Viola and a lawnmower?
The neighbors get pissed if you don't return their lawnmower.

What's the difference between a chainsaw and a viola?
A. In the "Texas Viola Massacre", the killer was wearing a tuxedo.
B. After you put gasoline in the chainsaw, people don't throw lit matches at you.
C. The viola is sharper.
D. The person holding the chainsaw can probably read music.
E. It's easier to improvise with a chainsaw.
F. You can't fake cutting down a tree.

What's the difference between a dead viola player lying in the road and a dead accordion player lying in the road?
A. The accordion player was probably going to a gig.
B. A crowd of sympathetic people trying to put the accordion back together.

What's the difference between alto clef and classic Greek manuscripts?
Some viola players can actually read Greek.

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