Phone rings

- Hulloh?

- Good afternoon, kind sir. Is this the right number for GG Toto photographic services Ltd.?

- It could be. Who is calling, please?

- My name is Smith. I have a mission for you of the utmost importance regarding the survival of the human race.

- But...

- I know, I know, you just came back from a mission of the utmost importance regarding the survival of the human race, but this time, it's for real. You are, indeed, the only thing that stands between victory and extinction.

- Are you sure you have the right number?

- Please hear me out, sir, I have been in this business for a very long time, and I know what I am talking about. We need you to infiltrate the castle of Princess Ryu, who claims to have gone bonkers.

- Bonkers, you say?

- It appears that she was allergic to the seeds of a very rare plant that is only found in the darkest woods of Shropshire. When her majesty our Queen (may god save her enlightened soul) requested an audience with the Princess, she offered a piece-offering to the Sgintluian people, in the form of a very exquisite Guinness and Kidney Pie.

- I guess the british cuisine knows no limits, eh?

- Excuse me?

- Never mind, lad. Where do I fit into the picture?

- Oh, you see, princess Ryu claims she has gotten very ill indeed, and as a result, is suing the British government for all-sorts.

- And...

- We think she is a devious little one, and we would like to ...

- Who did you say you were again?

- I am Smith. I am with the MI5

- So you are.. Mister Smith? Doctor Smith? What is your job title?

- I am an agent, actually.

- Agent Smith...

- ...

- Like in...

- Just shut up and let me finish the briefing, will ya?

- Oh, right. Sorry.

- We want you to find out where princess Ryu is, and we want you to photograph her. This must be done in a most discreet way, or the little cunt is going to initiate the targeting procedures for the thermonuclear devices Sguintluia has aimed at London right now.

- Right. So how do I go in?

- We are going to give you a crash course - or should I say "how not to crash course"? hahahhahahahahahahah

- Eh?

- Oh, sorry, I do crack myself up some times

- Right.

- ... in parachute jumping, and we are going to send you off at daybreak tomorrow. We want you to photograph the princess, and do it in such a manner that there is no doubt in the world that there can't possibly be anything wrong with her.

- Right-oh.

- Run, you pigeons, it's Robert Frost!

- Eh?

- Oh, sorry. When you next call me, ask me about Loom, so I know it is you


10 days later

Phone rings

- Uhmm, sir?

- Who is this? For god's sake, man, identify yourself!

- Oh, it's bob. From GG Toto? What do you know about Loom?

- Bobbin Threadbare? Is that you?

- What the... Is this a joke? You hired me not ten days ago!

- Ah, excellent, I remember now. Hello, Bob! Did you get the photos?

- I did.. But

- But what?

- I managed to gain access to her private quarters

- Ooh, good work, my son. Did you get any good snaps?

- Well. They came out clear, that's something. However...

- What? What is it?

- Well, they are a bit.. shall we say.. exposing. Should we perhaps pixelate them, in order to adhere to the standard code of conduct for photographers, not to mention the laws of the country?

- Oh, sure. Edit out whatever you deem necessary, my good man. Just make sure you edit as little as possible. And most notably: make sure the pictures are on my desk by tomorrow morning!

- But sir.. There is some..

- Mister Bob! Do you have the pictures or do you not?

- Well, I do, but...

- Then stop gabbing, get going, and get me those motherdamned photographs right away

- Sure. Whatever.

rings off

(under his breath) - Wanker.


Do not, under any circumstances, go to http://www.tubgirl.com . If you decide to ignore this warning, you do so at your own peril. While the point of the story will become clear to you if you do, you will probably need counseling for months afterward. That URL is not in any way safe for work, nor for sanity.

This is another contribution to the Halloween quest in which I am disallowed to enter due to being one of the judges.


A postscript...

dem bones says re tubgirl: God Damn you for bringing this here. Years ago I was a witness and I said, under my breath and through my vomit, that never would this happen here.
(SharQ) Klaproth says I ate your writeup tubgirl. It was a bit silly, anyway. Node Heaven will become its new residence.
dem bones says Woah! I was tongue in cheek, partner ... or did I misunderstand you? You're not going to remove it?
dem bones says You did! You did deleted it! You bastard!
dem bones says re tubgirl: On the page load that I was 'insuring' it on ..

Log in or registerto write something here or to contact authors.