Are your friends and neighbors disappearing? Are you having freaky nightmares? Have there been security incidents at the local asylum? Do your goldfish speak Latin, but you don't remember teaching them?

If you answered 'yes' to any of the above, congratulations, you're in a horror movie! Now, if you're not Heather Langenkamp or a guy named Ash, you might be wondering a few things about what's going on and how to survive it, which is why we bring you the

Surviving a Horror Movie FAQ

My kitchen appliances operate themselves all of a sudden. What should I make for dinner?
Order a pizza, and unplug the appliances so they're not limited by the cord length.

My group of friends is planning a night out at a haunted house. What should I wear?
Wear something sexy. Why else would you be going to a haunted house?

Should I tell jokes?
Only while reaching your hand down the garbage disposal.

My friends and I are huddled together in a cabin in the woods. We don't know where Jill is, but we think she's in danger. How do we find her?
Split up, of course! It's the fastest way to cover ground.

Which should I read to my children at bedtime: The Happy Little Puppy or Kitab Al-Azif?
It's never too early to teach your kids culture and variety.

What should I do when my children speak Latin?
Don't pay them any mind, it's just a phase.

What's this cryptic puzzle for?
Solve it and find out.

It's storming and the power just went out. What should I do?
Go in the basement and fiddle around with the fuse box.

Where should I go on my vacation?
Pick some small town in Massachusetts. They're always so very quaint.

Why's there creepy music playing?
It's probably from the kids next door. Disregard it and go into that dark room.

We're playing truth or dare. Which should I choose?

Where's my cat?
I dunno. Go look.

Ow! Why'd that guy bite me?
He's probably high. Put a bandage over it and forget it ever happened.

That didn't work. Now I've got an infection.
Oh. Take some antibiotics.

Why is my dead wife walking around?
It's a miracle!

What should I get my kid for his birthday?
Get him some sort of innocent-looking doll from that thrift shop over there. You know, the one that you could have sworn was an empty lot just yesterday.

I just killed the monster! What should I do now?
Say "it's over," check to see if it's really dead, and try to take off its mask.

Hm... what should I do with this axe?
Leave it there in case someone else needs to chop firewood or something.

We're trapped in a house surrounded by zombies, what should I do?
Go make coffee.

That's just a legend, right?
Yes. No basis in fact. Relax, go skinny dipping in the lake.

Vote YES on 706, allowance of genetics facilities within city limits?
Of course, nothing bad can come of it.

I'm being chased! What should I do?
Run upstairs!

Why's that clown walking down the street?
The circus is probably coming to town. Disregard him.

I found my best friend's dead body, and now I'm home alone. What should I do?
Take a shower.

Me and my friends are bored. What should we do?
Have a seance or play with the Ouija board.

My boyfriend wants to eat my brain. What should I do?
Sounds like a question for Dr Ruth.

How to Survive a Horror Movie.

In the following write-up I shall attempt to explain to you the ground rules for surviving a horror movie. Using my experience of horror movie watching, and constantly criticising the protagonist for blatant misdeeds I shall attempt to explain what went wrong and how you should do things properly.

  1. Establishment of Situation. It’s no use trying to survive what you don’t know. To begin with you should try and find out if it’s one or more of your friends playing a cruel joke on you. If so you need not worry, you probably won’t die- you’ll think back on these events fondly and laugh in years to come.

    There is of course the off chance that you are about to or already have walked into a horror movie. Obvious signs include:
    -Big mansions on top of the hill, which seem to have a permanent localised storm overhead.
    -Lightning striking whenever you say somebody’s name e.g. Dracula
    -A general feeling of weirdness (this is not exactly foolproof, but generally peoples instincts are right.)
    -Lights that go out for no apparent reason.

  2. Turn around, run away. The best way to not be eaten alive is to not be in that situation in the first place. Do not go in the house to satisfy your curiosity. Don’t cave in to peer pressure. If your friend goes into a highly suspicious shack in the middle of nowhere, don’t follow them in. If there is no evil monster, they should come back out soon enough. If there is and you followed them in you’re probably going to die as well. I know you Americans love “closure” but just forget it; it’s not worth dieing for.

  3. Establishment of the Genre of Horror Movie. You’re quite confident that you’re in a horror movie or equally nasty occult situation and for whatever reason you’ve decided that running away isn’t for you. There are many types of evil demon or whatever that you may or may not be facing e.g. Zombies, Vampires, Demons or Werewolves. Be aware of whom you are facing and what their weaknesses are.

  4. What Resources are at Your Disposal? “Oh look, a handy silver dagger, a crucifix and a book of banishment spells.” These things are usually good things to have, but be aware that you will probably lose them, so make sure you tie them to your hand with duct tape.

    If you have no useful resources to hand, be aware that you are a weapon yourself. The last thing an evil demon expects is a broken nose. If in doubt of what your demons weakness is, burn the place to the ground.

  5. The Plan.The solution by now should be laughably obvious, whether it be vanquishing demons, slaying vampires, or going completely mad and attaching chainsaws to your severed limbs (à la The Evil Dead II). Make a plan of action and stick to it. That’s your best chance of survival.

There are some general rules that one should adhere to when becoming the protagonist in a horror movie.

  • Don’t panic.
  • Always be aware of your surroundings and your closest exit.
  • Never be alone. Never split your group up. Safety in numbers.
  • Don’t try and find out what that creaking noise in the attic is.
  • Shoot First. Ask Questions Later.
  • Never be unarmed.
  • Try reasoning, a lot of malicious demons just want to scare/eat people. Offer to take it to a busy nightclub with lots of people to scare/eat. If it has any kind of intelligence it will take you up on the offer. If it doesn’t, it’s probably not intelligent, in which case give it a Glasgow Kiss.
  • Don’t use battery-operated torches; as soon as you step in to the darkness the batteries will be flat. Use kinetic torches or something.
  • Don’t be a girl. Especially a hot girl.

  • Escape. With any luck your plan will have gone smoothly, the vampire is a pile of dust, and you'll probably be wondering what to do now. Escape! Don't turn your back, because if you do there will doubtless be something that wants to decapitate you. Once you free and clear of the whole situation, may I suggest that you don't seek therapy. You'll probably be commited to an asylum (see Terminator I and II.)

  • So there you go, you can venture forth into the big wide world and be confident that if you wander into a horror movie you have a decent chance of making it out alive

    2005.6.9 karma debt says re surviving a horror movie: don't forget that being the only black person in the movie is generally a great way to die.

    I have to agree with that wholeheartedly, try as you might, even following my guidlines: If you are black, you will die. Actually, that might not strictly-speaking be true. I'd say that anyone in an ethnic minority has a higher chance of death. I.E Caucasians in a Japanese movie, or Africans in a Hollywood movie.

    Note well that I, Xorin, will not accept responsibility for damage done to you by evil demons or otherwise.

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