Sludge is the thick muddy stuff you get after running raw sewage through a sewage treatment plant.

There are whole journals devoted to the science of sludge management.

According to the U.S. National Research Council, in 1996 the U.S. produced 5.7 million tons of sludge, dry weight. About a third of that sludge was used to fertilize golf courses, farms, or landscaping. There is some concern about the toxic chemical concentration in sludge, its role as a vector for parasites, and its use in agriculture.

Basically, environmental groups don't want sludge dumped on their local land. Government and industry are pushing the idea of re-using sludge; "recycling biosolids" sounds much nicer than "dumping chemically treated shit on your cornfield".

But it has to go somewhere. At least, processing it and using it is better than pumping raw sewage into a nearby river.

The main problem is not the actual human shit - which makes pretty good fertilizer - but the other stuff that gets dumped down the drain. Industrial chemicals - dioxin, lead, all kinds of stuff - go into those sewers too.

I would suggest to the EPA: why not go all the way? 5 million tons of sludge a year could build a whole mountain. Rather than filling up strip mines and spreading it on farmland, build an amusement park! On "Sludge Mountain", a harrowing roller coaster ride would flush visitors down a giant toilet, send them through the rushing rapids of the sewer, and then end up baking under the hot lights of a treatment plant.

It is a hot day... just sitting there... suddenly, that insatiable desire for a cool, refreshing drink. Fortunately, there is a vast amount of that sugared powered drink mix around - the best of them being "Country Time Lemonade".

Rarely do these drink mixes have instructions for 'just one glass' but rather quarts and gallons. A few spoonfuls or there abouts for a glass. Add cold water and presto! a nice, refreshingly cold glass of lemonade.

Maybe the water was a bit 'too' cold (colder the liquid, the harder it is to dissolve stuff in it). Or maybe just a bit too much drink mix. Whatever the case, as the glass nears the bottom, a thick, gooey, 'sludge' (for the lack of a better word) is left of almost pure sugar and flavor with just enough water added to make it ooze slowly to the lip of the cup where it attacks the taste buds with a powerful sweet and tart the likes of cannot be found elsewhere in culinary history.

Such are the sugar highs of summer formed.

The Physical Embodiment of all Evil in just a few easy steps!

This stuff might be useful for crowd control, or possibly state-sanctioned executions. That being said, the creation of this stuff is the suggested alternative for the angsty teen who's been mucking about with the Anarchist's Cookbook (excluding things like good parenting, liberal usage of the Clue-by-Four on the offender's head, and healthy doses of common sense.)

To form THE SLUDGE, mix the following items:

  • Water. This acts as a base for your creation.
  • Pudding mix. Thickens things a bit, and also feeds your companion> friend external tumor.
  • Semen. Get your mind out of the gutter. Nobody in their right mind should put your naughty bits anywhere near this stuff. Keep conditions sterile.
  • Iron Oxide (Considering the length of the process, it's easiest to just use a rust succeptable container.)
  • Paper. It helps if the paper has something on it. The ink thickens the solution. a bit more. The sludge has also been known to do children's homework, if it has gained sufficiant knowledge. The teacher will probably refuse to take a dripping, gooey mess, however.
  • Misc. Organic materials (lunchmeat will work quite well.)

After you've has gathered the appropreate materials, it's a simple matter of waiting. Over the course of 7-8 months, the ingredients will fester. Best results are given with a covered container in a warm room. Air conditioning is bad, in this case. Occationally lift your cover to agitate the ingredients. Within the first few days, you will notice a hint of onion in the air. This is normal. A third of the way into the process, your new malady will smell something like the hairy, sweaty armpits of the 101stAirborn. Go find something to amuse yourself, and buy a surplus gas mask while you're at it.

Any vomit you or your assistants (you do have assistants, right?) produce can be added to the mix. This helps the o You may wonder why you would want to create such a foul-smelling ooze. Ergo, I provide some uses for The Sludge.

  • Raise the dead, human or otherwise.
  • In sufficiant quantities, The Sludge will become self-aware, allowing you to use it as a Godzilla-like minion, wreaking havoc. This is facilitated by the semen in the mix. For best results, try to collect genetic material from several organisims. Mix plants and animals for greater variety. The hard part is brewing something with the corrosive power of a sandblaster on a soup cracker unnoticed.
  • Paint thinner
  • Untested:If injected directly into the bloodstream, a wild ride should ensue, though it is not known how long the effects will last, or wether the ginuea pig vollunteer will survive.
  • This stuff will kick the pants off anything Billy Mays sells.

Disposal: Piggyback on nuclear waste shipments to Yucca Mountain, unless you wish to attract the ever-watching eye of the EPA when the eco-system in your area suddenly degrades.

Sensible people don't do this, mainly because it is likely to fail. Lewd Chemistry assumes no responsibility for your excess of spare time.

This is a handy mnemonic to recognize cholinesterase inhibitor poisoning. 

Salivation: Uncontrollable watering or foaming of the mouth.

Lachrymation: Teary or watering eyes.

Urination: Involuntary voiding of the bladder.

Defecation: Involuntary movement of the bowels.

Gastrointestinal Distress: Peristalsis ceases functioning correctly.

Emesis: Vomiting

Some or all of these symptoms combined with atypical pupil response, shortness of breath, and muscle spasms (including irregular or elevated heartbeat) can indicate nerve agent or similar poisoning.

Typical treatment involves decontamination or poison control as soon as is practical, coupled with atropine and/or oxime injections.

All of the above flashed through my head when my cat suddenly began foaming at the mouth and staggering around my apartment after the application of some off-brand flea medicine. He had to be rushed to the vet, bathed, and treated. I'm very grateful my dad taught me this. 


Transforms from dinosaur to robot and back!


"Stomp your enemy, crush him under your feet."

Likes to make presence known--a footstep can be heard and felt in a 3-mile radius. Gentle and shy, but terrifying and unstoppable in battle. Like other Dinobots, dislikes authority. Can exert 40,000 psi via feet--enough to shatter a bridge. Immense strength and endurance. Adept at fighting in water, swamp, and jungle. Slow, not too clever--often victim of the calamities he causes.

  • Strength: 9
  • Intelligence: 3
  • Speed: 2
  • Endurance: 10
  • Rank: 4
  • Courage: 9
  • Firepower: 2
  • Skill: 5
Transformers Tech Specs

When the cartoon introduced the Dinobots, they did it in two batches -- Grimlock, Slag, and Sludge first, and Snarl and Swoop a little later in an episode where the first three took off on their own. Of the first three, Sludge (the brontosaurus/apatosaurus) hardly ever got any lines, and his rounded appearance made him not nearly as "cool" or threatening as his fellow Dinos. But he did have the ability to crack the ground in two with just a stomp of his feet, so we decided to love him anyways.

Sludge (?), n. [CF. Slush.]


Mud; mire; soft mud; slush. Mortimer. Tennyson.


Small floating pieces of ice, or masses of saturated snow. Kane.

3. (Mining)

See Slime, 4.

Sludge hole, the hand-hole, or manhole, in a steam boiler, by means of which sediment can be removed.


© Webster 1913

Sludge (?), n.

Anything resembling mud or slush; as:

(a) A muddy or slimy deposit from sweage.

(b) Mud from a drill hole in boring.

(c) Muddy sediment in a steam boiler.

(d) Settling of cottonseed oil, used in making soap, etc.

(e) A residuum of crude paraffin-oil distillation.


© Webster 1913

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