Now before any of you start sharpening your pitchforks and rounding up torches...I am aware that the phrase "hot monkey love" is more traditional (although pointedly absent from e2).

However. I believe in my heart that lemurs have the true hammerlock on bestial carnal interaction. Doubt me, do you?

I once had occasion to watch an episode of some nature program (the title is irrelevant...if you saw it, you know what I'm talking about...if not, you're not gonna go find it anyway, so shut the hell up already) featuring the mating habits of lemurs on The Discovery Channel.

And no, I wasn't watching it alone in the darkness of my room, a bowl full of popcorn left untouched as fingers explored forbidde...but I digress.

Lemurs, it seems, do not so much "make love" as they do "rut like bunnies on cantharides in the open with the rest of the pack watching in semi-attentive fashion". The sequence of events went something like this:

  1. Girl lemur approaches two boy lemurs
  2. Boy lemurs get a whiff of what she's selling and decide to settle the social math problem like, lemurs
  3. One boy lemur emerges triumphant; the other...not so much
  4. Girl lemur, much impressed, offers herself to boy lemur on leaf-covered jungle floor
  5. Other lemurs gather to watch, perhaps to pick up tips on technique
  6. Trounced boy lemur retreats to edge of clearing, begins to strip innocent sapling of leaves
  7. Girl and victorious boy lemurs bump uglies with increasing ferocity and speed
  8. Spurned boy lemur shreds sapling to a ragged stump
  9. Girl and champion boy lemur decouple to cries of merriment from audience, urinate on one another, wander off, presumably to shower

Now I will be the first to comment that this is not how I perpetrate my good loving. I, for example, almost never have saplings handy for the loser to demolish whilst I'm plowing his erstwhile girlfriend. No matter.

Clearly, the single-mindedness of lemurs in heat can be seen, if not here, then at your local zoo. Slip the nearest animal trainer a $20 and ask for the "lemur late show". He'll hook you up.

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