Tired of the same old, 9 to 5 job? Sick of being picked on by people who think they're better than you? Want to finally learn how to kick ass and take names?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then Yossarian's School of Badassary is for you! Located in downtown Beirut*, Yossarian's School of Badassary has taught some of the finest Bad Asses the world has ever known! Just look at what some of our alumni have to say:

Mr. T: I pity the fool who doesn't go to this school!

Hulk Hogan: I learned a lot about myself, about spirituality, and about my bad ass. Thanks, Yossarian!

Saddam Hussein: Finally, a school that teaches something I can be proud to bring home to my children.

Janet Reno: Janet like!

Mother Teresa: It's the best fucking school in this god damned world!

My school is staffed by only the finest badasses in the world!

Don't delay! Send away for more info today... or we'll kick your ass!

* Sister campuses in Trenton, New Jersey and Happy Valley

I don't want to step on anybody's toes (who doesn't achingly deserve it), so i herewith offer Deborah909 (theological dominatrix ultra-supreme) a senior position in the Dominatric Arts faculty. Together we may whip up and hone down the next generation of truly badass dominatrixes (dominatrices?)!

It is key that they not only want what to do what you demand, but they also want to pay you for the honor. It's a service. But that doesn't mean you can't enjoy yourself.

As Dean of Bar Fights I'd like to invite you to check out my courses:
I also offer graduate level courses in both Drunken Boxing and Weaponry. We are currently accepting applications, please apply within.
Thank you,
just a guy
Dean of Bar Fights
Though I'll be the first to admit I've been ignoring my duties as of late, being Dean of Drug Laced Coconut Distribution is nothing to take lightly, and it seems only right that I take this more seriously, assert myself, if you will. And so..

Would the faculty of Yossarian's School of Badassary please report to the main office some time before the end of the week in order to pick up your tiny paper umbrella's, ridiculously (exceedingly, even) large knives, and translucent, high quality straws. There will be only three programs to complete before you will be "ready" to distribute the coconuts properly, as I can't be expected to complete this arduous task on my lonesome.

To learn more about the three brief courses, packed with potent, essential knowledge, your presence is requested at an "Introduction to Drug Laced Coconut Distribution", the second Friday of some month, at some time, somewhere. Below is a brief outline, that touches upon exactly what you should be preparing yourself for in relation to each individual course.
        Slicing Big Ass Coconuts, "How to":
          
        The knife must be positioned just so,
        for there really is no room for error in 
        such instances. Do not allow coc'y hairs
        to fall into milk (common sense lessons), 
        and why lemon juice is not used to rinse 
        eyes, as a rule of sorts.

Lacing, "No Softcore Drugs Here":

Some people are hesitant to distribute
cocaine laced coconuts to their students.
Even more so, some have trouble with the
harmless drugs, such as heroine. You are
not required to lace the coconuts yourself
if it conflicts with your religious beliefs
or moral standards, however, a note from 
the Dean of Sharp Objects will be required
before you may be excused. Proper lacing
techniques will be revealed with labelled
diagrams and shiny pointy lasers.

                 Distribution, "No, officer, these are 
                 not my coconuts":
         
                 There may be slight legal problems that
                 arise from time to time. Disregard them.
                 "F$@# da police!" Word. Distribution of
                 these drug laced coconuts, merely available
                 for their educational value, is not the
                 same as "drug trafficking". You are not the
                 criminal here. "THE MAN" never did 
                 anything for you! 
                (That is to say, this last course deals  
                 with... brainwashing!) 
Warning: Any stolen coconuts will be recovered by our resident monkey, Bobo.
hamster bong,
Dean of Drug Laced Coconut Distribution
amifloating@coconuttynutnut.org
As Dean of Pimpin, I cordially welcome all potential Pimp Daddies and Mommies to enroll in our PhD (Pimpin' hard, Dammit!) program.

Course Listings:

All potential students must take an oral examination to prove their worthiness. They must memorize the departmental motto:

"My bitch better have my money"
My bitch better have my money,
through rain, sleet, or snow.
My hoe better have my money.
Not half, not some, but
all my cash.
Because if she don't
I'm going to put my foot
dead in her ass.

In addition, we are accepting applications for other Professors. Please /msg GFG for more information


My Bitch Better Have My Money" taken from I'm Gonna Git You Sucka

As part of my mission to be a Lady in Everything, I present the "Velvet Glove" courses, as an essential part of high-level badassery:

  • Velvet Glove 101: Charm, Etiquette, and Social Accomplishment. Proper usages in polite society, table manners, etc. Penmanship. Selection of writing papers, linens, porcelain, glass, and Oriental rugs.
  • Velvet Glove 103: A more intensive introduction for those coming into the course with some background on these subjects (i.e. being "to the manner born", or a pedigree found in Debrett's Peerage.) Antiques, appreciation of chamber music, classical poetry, etc.
  • Velvet Glove 201: The importance of hobbies, such as sailing, needlepoint, bridge, etc. Conversation and gracious behavior. Seduction and the arts of love. Special "vanilla ice cream" treatment given in the latter half of the class, mandatory.
  • Velvet Glove 301: Underhanded backstabbing, treachery, and cattiness. Passive-aggressiveness. How to turn someone into a catatonic within two hours. Double-binds, and how to use them.

MEOW!

Log in or registerto write something here or to contact authors.