Ad #1: Appeals to Adults
A suburban mom in a business suit is in an immaculate suburban kitchen pouring coffee from an immaculate suburban coffeepot, morning sunlight streaming through a window at her eye level. Her hand shakes a little: is it overcaffeination or stress? Unclear.
She turns to the camera and smiles a strained smile. "You wouldn't believe the nasty crap that my kids like to eat. Cashew and broccoli pancakes, muffins dipped in hot fudge, Go-Gurt. So you can imagine my relief when —"
Four cherubic children ranging from 3 to 15 years and a large shaggy dog race into the kitchen and start to chase each other around the island. The mother drains about a half-liter of Turkish coffee in a single go and continues:
"— when Major General Mills announced their newest product, Uncle Panic's Sugar Nodeshells! My kids love it!"
A poorly-executed cut to a shot of the kids around the table eating the cereal.
"Thith ith thooooooo yummy, Mom! Can we eat it for dinner too?" lisps three-year-old Jessimelle.
"I'll never drink motor oil again!" delights 11-year-old Kosmopolis.
"And it has so much fiber! I can't wait to foul up the bathrooms at school!" blurts seven-year-old Dirndl.
"I'm getting a tattoo," rebels 15-year-old Skyhook.
"Woof!" says Bonkers.
YES, UNCLE PANIC'S SUGAR NODESHELLS! THE ONLY CEREAL WITH FIFTY GRAMS OF DIETARY FIBER!
The motivation for the new cereal was simple: a vehicle to test MegaConglomoCorp's favorite chemical, 5-chloro-2-methyl-4-isothiazolin-3-one, on the children of America. It had done such a good job of cleaning the nation's hair that it seemed only natural that it would do a good job on their stomachs, too.
There was only one problem, though, which was that chloromethylisothiazolinone has what could be charitably described as a gamey flavor, and uncharitably as fucking awful. So it was covered up with enough sugar to choke a 10-pound hummingbird, and then that was covered up with enough fiber to choke a Persian rug. That way it could be advertised as being good for you, and any malnutrition the little darlings managed to stuff down their traps would stuff itself out the other end within an hour anyway.
Since mascots are known to be instrumental in hocking sugar bombs to the kiddie set, a lot of thought was put into this aspect of the marketing. Early forerunners included Junkie, a bullfrog with a sugar habit, Dozer, a lovable carnie with an overbite and a candy shotgun, and Uncle Panic himself, a nearly-rabid octogenarian with a wheelchair and a terrible attitude (catch phrase: "Get the hell off my lawn!"). However, all of these eventually lost out to Grundle, the skateboarding, mulletted polar bear with a baaaaad attitude, thus proving once and for all that children's marketing is thoroughly out of touch with reality.
Unsuccessful promotions attempted within the first year and the reasons for their failures:
- Send in three box tops and $14.95 and get a necktie autographed by the CEO's nephew
Ties caused a bright green rash
- Win a chance to party down with Grundle
Grundle not real
- A video game tie-in, Uncle Panic's Surf Party
Poor market research led to a gore-filled M-rated surf shooter aimed at 8-year-olds
- Sugar-free super healthy Nodeshells
Tasted like ass
- Magical nodeshells that change color when you pour in the special noobsauce
Color change reaction released gaseous hydrofluoric acid
- Free kittens in every third box
Kittens need air
- Extra-sugary Nodeshells with calcified caramel shards
No problem here, actually
Ad #2: Appeals to Children
A suburban house party. Late at night. Incongruously, despite the fact that this is obviously some sort of keg stand, with trash littered all up and down the block, and cars scattered liberally and at odd angles on lawns, all of the attendees are between the ages of 10 and 14.
Wild guitar bends, shots of kids skateboarding down and up (!) roofs, some tween upside-down draining a beer bong full of "strawberry" Kool-Aid. Zoom through the hallways of the house across all sorts of scenes of kids cooler than you having more fun than you to the kitchen, where four of the coolest, most ethnically-balanced kids of all are sitting around a table. The boys are ultra-cool looking, with their hair arranged just so, wraparound sunglasses, and screen-printed T-shirts with images of Major General Mills' other brands. The girls are ultra-slutty looking, despite the fact that the closest they have ever come to having breasts was that time their parents took them to a KFC drive through.
"This cereal is so cash!" declares one kid.
"I know man, it has like fifty grams of fiber! That's like the dankest shit I've ever heard!"
"What did you guys get in your boxes?"
"I got a Death Borg action figure! With real noob-swallowing action!"
"I got a poster of George Bush spinning mad beats while B-Boy Obama breaks!"
"I got a temporary tattoo of anus being constricted everyday!
"I got a miniature bong!"
UNCLE PANIC'S SUGAR NODESHELLS! THE CEREAL YOUR PARENTS DON'T WANT YOU TO EAT! IT HAS THREE TIMES THE SUGAR OF ITS NEAREST COMPETITOR!
NOW WITH MARSHMALLOW CHINGS! AND TRY NEW HIGH-FIBER SUGAR NODESHELLS, THE ONLY CEREAL WITH 100 GRAMS OF FIBER PER SERVING!
After the continued success of Sugar Nodeshells, MegaConglomoCorp rolled out an entire line of chloromethylisothiazolinone products under the Uncle Panic aegis, including:
- Uncle Panic's Hyper-Klean Floor Wax
- Uncle Panic's Minty Fresh Children's Toothpaste
- Uncle Panic's Hearty Lumberjack-style Dinner Product
- Uncle Panic's Oven Cleaner and Tile Scrub
- Uncle Panic's Fiber Bites
- Uncle Panic's Wart Remover
- Uncle Panic's Mathematical Flash Cards
- Uncle Panic's Southern-style Extra-Sweet Tea
- Uncle Panic's Extra-Fibrous Traditional Swedish Meatballs