By two 14 year olds, circa 1999. Noded with permission. Copyright retained by the authors.
What is a townie?
Also called "trendies", townies are everywhere. You either hate them or.....are one. They're the ones in neon trainers, popper trousers and Nike Sweatshirts. However, on occasion they will try to disguise themselves:
THE "SOPHISTICATED" TOWNIE
The most common disguise is white hipsters and synthetic bright pink boob tubes and an obviously fake leather jacket which they bought/stole for £29 at the sale in New Look. If you should happen upon one of these, and if your neighbourhood is anything like ours, you most certainly will, take precaution and stand at a distance otherwise large amounts of toxins from the hairspray will take affect, and it won't be good. This disguise works best as it is hard to recognise them under the layers of orange foundation and lip liner. The male version of this type of townie wear popper trousers, Ben Sherman shirts and a large blob of hair gel with no apparent use positioned somewhere over their fringe. These townies are the ones who wander down the street, waving their phones in the air for everyone to look at and be jealous of (and it works, honest).
THE "HARD" TOWNIE
These townies offer themselves as advertisements for sports companies everywhere. They also have huge amounts of hairspray but are likely to wear less make up. They chew gum a lot and you are likely to know them from far off because of their posture. If standing there will probably be a group of them around a bus stop/shop doorway/park bench. They slump their heads, have a permanent glare and for some reason stick their chin out as though a piece of string was attached to their jaw. It's also likely they will be holding a cigarette but not smoking it properly.
These townies are the ones most likely to hurl abuse at people walking down the street different to themselves. The most common insults for males are variations of the label "gay" such as "queer" and "homeboy" (remember these people feel an affinity with Tupac Shakur). If a girl should be more attractive than the townie in question, she will be labelled "dyke" or "slapper", if she simply dressed differently she will be called "freak", "goth" or the ever popular "witch".
BEWARE: It is good for their reputation to fight a lot so they will be looking for an excuse: they must hunt for their prey. They will often stare at a person younger/different to them until the person looks back and then say "What are you looking at? You starting?". Another tactic is to choose a person at random and say "What you been saying about me/ my best mate/ my mother? You starting?" and then beat them up. This is an efficient technique because they can then say to someone else "Sandra, why you been saying she was spreading rumours about me? You starting?" and then beat them up.
However, do not despair because these townies make 20 threats a day but, due to their busy schedule of contracting bronchitis and ruining their education, they only get around to carrying out two of these threats.
THE "ALTERNATIVE FASHION" TOWNIE
One thing we must stress is that these townies do not actually dress in alternative clothing and wearing flares and bandannas will not stop them shouting at any real hippies that may walk by.
They will attempt certain looks for example the "skater look", the "rock chick" and the "bohemian babe" look as Tammy Girl phrases it. However they will never be able to pull any of these looks off. The easiest way to differentiate between an alternative (we use the term loosely) townie and an actual person of alternative fashion is that an alternative townie will usually be wearing a "hippy chick" or "punk princess" top.
These townies are easy to spot as they will most likely be the only ones wearing "alternative" clothing as those who did before will usually stop dressing like that in order to preserve their self respect.
QUESTIONS TOWNIES ASK
These questions have not been made up. Townies have genuinely asked them. Amazing isn't it?
(these are mostly questions they ask Goths)
You're a virgin, aren't you?
You sacrifice virgins don't you?
YOU drink alcohol?! But you're too busy doing homework and stuff...
You stay up all night drinking blood don't you?
Is your head an animal? (We promise)
Are you a blacksmith?
Do you get a buzz from dressing like that?
Do you like dressing like that? (No we hate it)
Are you a dyke?
Are you gay?
Are you a hippy? A hippy from the chippy?
You're one of them old fashioned people aren't you?
Do you worship Satan?
Do you wear odd socks?
You take drugs don't you?
Are you into witchcraft and that?
Do you make your own clothes?
Are you a weirdo? (Why yes of course....)
Are you a fugitive?
Do you make lucky charms?
Are any of your clothes white?
Do you live in a castle?
Are you like that boy on Home and Away?
You don't like Adidas?! But what do you wear then?!
Are you a dog or something?
Are you one of them gothics?
Are you a cryptic?
Can you raise the dead?
Do you have any friends?
Do you wear black because you think white is poisonous?
Can you read my palm?
Are you a hippy-crit?
Are you a human being?
Are you natural?
Can I join your witch gang?
Can I be black too?
You stupid fockin' freak. You worship the devil. You look stupid. I'd kill myself if I was like
you. Can I borrow a pencil?
Do you hug trees?
Do you like the moon?
Who'd win a fight out of you and the Devil Vs. Jesus and God?
Is your underwear black? Can I check?
Are you a not well in the head dyke lesbo in black?
Are you that girl from the Adams Family?
Are you a gothmoth?
Can I burn you?
What do you do when it's not a full moon?
What's a goth?
THINGS TOWNIES SHOULD KNOW
1. Goths ARE goths. Thus calling them "goths", "gothos" or "gothics" will not insult them.
2. There are only so many times you can tell the 'dead has arisen' joke.
3. Just because we don't sit in bus stops drinking lemon hooch, doesn't mean we don't go out.
4. Ali G is a piss take of people like you, not a role model.
5. Adidas is not designer, neither is Gap or Ben Sherman.
6. People who dress differently from you are not gay, hippies or freaks.
7. Nine year olds smoking is ridiculous, not cool.
8. Walking like the hanger is still in your coat does not make you look 'hard'. Neither does spitting, shaving your hair or talking like you have a brick up your arse.
9. It's FUCK not 'fock'.
10. Wearing a gold coin on your finger does not make you look rich.
11. It's not a 'chain', it's a necklace. Get over it.
12. Being looked at is not an excuse to start a fight.
13. Working in McDonalds is not a preferrable ambition.
14. Hate to point this out, but you're all wearing the same outfit.
15. It's not cool to fail all your exams. Those who pass are not 'swots what have no life', they're the people you'll be packing bags for when you're older.
16. Too much hairspray will kill you.
17. Choking a woman to death with aftershave will not make her fall in love with you.
18. Being good at PE is not an academic achievement.
19. It may be a family practice, but having babies at 13 is not recommended.
20. Just because your trainers and shell suit are the same brand, doesn't mean the colours don't clash.
21. You cannot compensate for elasticised sports trousers by pulling your socks right up to meet them.
22. Luminous trainers don't go with ANYTHING.
23. Tight combat trousers with "Coq Sportif" t-shirts is not skater wear.
24. Chunky gold is not classy, it's horrible.
25. Listening to Tupac and clicking your fingers does not make you a gangster.
26. It's "was here forever" not "woz 'ear 4 eva".
27. Calling hoodies "goths" doesn't scare them, it makes you look stupid.
28. There is no way we are going to believe that you have an AK concealed on you, the same goes for an Uzi or any firearm more powerful than a water pistol.
29. You are not a gangster. You will never be a gangster. Your heroes aren’t really gangsters, they do it for publicity
30. Ali G is actually a Cambridge graduate with 10 GCSEs and four A – Levels
31. Yelling "Marilyn Manson" at us does not make us feel bad.
Sneering "Hallowe'en" at us is stupid, unless it happens to be the 31st of October, in which case it's pointless