"This is worse." she said. "Worse than being single
He reached across the table, lifted her trembling fingers
from the tea-stained saucer and clutched them firmly in his hands. His mouth was dry as he watched her crumble in front of him. Her eyes were glorious stained pink from a sudden torrent of emotion. They blazed with an intense green, like a dragon in some fantasy adventure
"Because..because I know there's that person over there who wants to be with me and who I want to be with. Only I can't.
" She slipped her hand from his and curled it in her lap, absently running her thumbnail over the pad of her index finger. Her eyes were fixated on the table top, she couldn't raise them to look at him.
She felt guilty. She was being one of those
girls. The ones that talk about their hurts, the guys they loved, with the one friend who could potentially be hurt by it. But she couldn't stop herself. The words just kept coming out one after another.
"Before I just didn't think anyone wanted to be with me and I accepted that." She felt the stillness within her at those words
, words that once would have brought forth more tears.
It had stung knowing for so long that no one was interested. That not once in twenty three years had a guy's head turned to get more than a passing glance
. That never had a guy felt compelled to ask her for her number
because he was so attracted to her personality that her physical failings didn't matter any longer. In her youth her mother had insisted she was pretty with as much emphasis as her brother had insisted she was ugly
. Too bad her brother's opinion had meant more
When she got older her friends would insist she was cute. Oh, but you're so pretty! Look at how pretty your eyes are. False statements uttered to halt self-pity.
Finally she'd had enough. She had discovered talents and interests that made her happy. She didn't care anymore
. And when her confidence would dip a little and her friends would gather around her to comfort her and tell her how wonderful she was, she halted their false statements. She'd look at them and say, If I was beautiful, I'd know it.
That she had something of worth, even if it was just the ability to make someone laugh, made it easier to accept her failings. She didn't care how she looked after that. She became her talents
"I used to have walls around me, protecting me. My brother said I'd be lonely forever
that way, but I needed it. I'd been hurt too many times to let people in. To let them see me." Her hands were tugging at a wrinkle in her skirt, her palms sweating a little.
Even this little bit of opening up was hard still.
"Which is how I came to be so independent. But over the past year I've started being needy.
And now I need people. I need my friends. I need him."
She'd cringed at the word needy. She hated depending on others for things. Made her feel weak. Realistically she knew she'd always needed people. Her independence had been an illusion she'd weaved around herself. It had been comforting to think that should someone choose to walk out of her life, it would roll on as it always had. That had never once been the case, though, in the instances when someone had chosen to walk away
"And sometimes I hate that I need people."
He watched her mouth pull down at the corners, the little wrinkle form between her eyebrows and felt his own features mimicking them. "Never hate needing people. It's part of being human."
It was the first time he'd said anything all afternoon. He'd simply sat there, silently listening to her as she let out her pain
. He didn't mind, he considered her one of his closest friends. 'You as much as anyone, if not more.'
he'd once said to her. And he'd meant it
"I know." She whispered. "It's just...I've never had to choose between being with friends...or going somewhere else to be with one person."
She looked at him then and he could see the turmoil in her eyes. She wanted so many things and didn't know which to reach for first. Her heart was tugging her in two different directions
. Part wanted to stay, to never be parted from everything she knew and loved. Part, the larger part, wanted to go. Wanted to be with that person she thought about all day
. Wanted to take a chance, to allow herself to hope that she wouldn't end up crawling back with her tail between her legs.
It was a no win situation
. She'd have to give up something either way.
"How do I choose?" She closed her eyes as she whispered the question. It was almost more plea than question
. Make the choice for me,
it screamed. Tell me to go. Tell me to stay.
He watched her rub her eyes, watched the moisture roll over the edges of her fingers and drip down their length. Not much was visible of her face as she hid behind her hands, but he could see her chin. It was wobbling. Whether she was upset about the relationship, the choices or the fact that she was showing some perceived weakness to him he wasn't sure. Maybe all three.
He was silent, considering
what he knew about her, what he wished for her and wished for himself
"Remember that fortune you got, the one you said you were going to make into a t-shirt some day?"
She looked up at him through watery eyes, trying to silence the thoughts pressing into her
mind long enough to dredge up the old memory. "Something...something about nature.."
He smiled and stared at the spoon
he was turning end to end against the table. The clinking was disruptive, loud and obnoxious in the moment, but he needed it to distract him
. To keep his thoughts from wandering astray. "To fall in love we must abandon ourselves to nature
He dropped the spoon and looked up at her. She was still now, tears still formed at her eyes but even that had slowed. "That's what it said," he continued, "do you remember?
She nodded. "I think you need to do just that. You need to abandon yourself, let yourself go. Free yourself from these burdens you've piled upon yourself
She opened her mouth to say something, to contradict him that she had no burdens, but no sound came out
. She had made her dreams into burdens. Her cares into chains. Excuses to keep her from taking a chance.
He smiled a little then, when he saw her eyes widen with discovery. "Please take care. I'll miss you.