With college becoming the choice of millions for those seeking sex and life after cruel and unusual punishment, here are a few pointers to help you out on that big fat important first day of college level classes

Try to pick a seat way in the back of the class / lecture hall - Seating in any class is a very very serious affair and also a very permanent decision (almost as permanent as choosing which side of the bed to sleep on with your gf/bf and or dog/cat). Choosing a seat in the very rear of the room will not only make it damn near impossible to hear the lecturer, it will also make it easier for your to catch up on that much needed sleep from the previous night's bout of keg standing

Avoid bringing a writing implement to class - Why be responsible when you can rely on the abundant prepared-ness (if that is a word) of anonymous strangers. Try bugging anyone around you (at least once in every cardinal direction) for a pen, pencil or some paper. Better yet, If you are in an art class, try begging a whole paint set off of your fellow classmates. Bonus points for bumming anything from the professor.

This concludes today's lesson. Give it the old college try.

To add to the list above, here's how to make friends and meet members of the opposite sex on the first day.

First off, you should already hopefully know at least one person who has taken this class already, hopefully with the same professor. Ask around, post on a campus message board, whatever, just find out the skinny on the class. This person should be able to answer at least these three questions about the class.

  • Do I need the book?
  • Is the professor any good?
  • Is the class hard?

Armed with these three tidbits of information, you are ready.

Steps for a good first day
  • Show up early. It's the only time you have to do it the rest of the semester. Find the room in plenty of time and loiter outside until the class is almost ready to begin. Do not enter the classroom yet. Take stock of the people around you. Identify past classmates, friends, etc.
  • Once you see all of the people waiting on the class to begin, pick out the most attractive member of the opposite sex and approach him or her. I'm going with her for the rest of this writeup, because I'm a guy. Ask her "Is this insert class here?" Even if you know it is, ask her anyway. Strike up a conversation, and then, when you go inside the classroom, you've already made a friend and you have someone to sit by, probably for the rest of the semester. If you want to sit at the back of the class, take the lead when entering the classroom and choose an appropriate seat. Get her to follow you by keeping the conversation going. Later on, having her sit by you can act as a reason to keep coming to the class.
  • Ok, you should be inside now, and the class should be starting. Try not to fall asleep on the first day. Collect all of the necessary paperwork, like syllabus, homework requirements, etc, and store them in your folder. (you did bring a folder, didn't you?) You'll need these later for when you sleep through the class and need to know if you have a test the next day. You probably won't need to take notes the first day. Nothing super important is going to be covered on the first day that you won't have plenty of time to write down later. Listen to the standard opening class lecture, which is probably written on the syllabus already.
  • Ok, at last. The prof's finished. Take a look at whatever time piece is in the room and notice if he likes to talk over time, or is more likely to go under time, or if he pretty much nails the amount of time in the class. You can't tell a whole lot on the first day if he's under or right on time, but if he's over, look out. If you have another class after this one, head for it. Notice if any of your classmates are heading for the same class. Remember that cute girl? See which way she heads after class, especially if it's off with her big football player boyfriend. If, by chance, you do end up walking in the same direction as another classmate, strike up a conversation. Using the tidbits you've gleaned from your other friend, the one who had the class before, you should be able to have a conversation long enough to guage the personality of your classmate. Make friends as soon as possible, especially if there are going to be study groups, lab partners, or any sort of collaborative effort in this class.

Hopefully, by following these simple steps on the first day of class, you will be able to make some friends and enjoy the class. Remember, happy minds learn more!

I know exactly how to get a bad grade in a college course, which is why i am supremely qualified to explain how to succeed. Trust me. If you want an A, follow these simple steps. I promise not to be sarcastic except in pipelinks.

The only thing you need on the first day is a notebook and a writing utensil which smears ink across paper. Or carbon, who cares. Do your math in ink or your English in pencil. No one cares anymore. Get up in class and go to the bathroom to smoke. No one will stop you, If this amazes you, you need to read this. Anyway, you don't need the book. But we aren't talking about passing, we're talking about getting an A. You want the A. You need an A. You are hungry for an A. Yes, you are. Everything will be better if you sacrifice the drinking and get an A. That's the spirit. Now, go buy the book and read the first chapter before you go to the class. Does this mean that you might have to read five or six chapters before you start classes? Boo fucking hoo, you're the one who wanted an A. You can always return the book in a week if you drop the class, but for now, do some reading so you know what is up and what is not.

Sit in the front of the class. Studies have shown that you will do better in the class this way. You will make the right kind of friends this way. You will hear better, pay attention better, and understand more this way. You will be more visible to the professor who is just itching to write you a recommendation, which you will need. Do it. Sit in the front of the class. This means different things based on differences in classroom geography, however. Ideally you want the professor to turn around from writing on the chalkboard and instinctively gaze directly into your eyes. Sometimes this means sitting a few rows up in a steeply sloped auditorium. Sometimes this means being front and slightly off-center. Eye contact is the goal here, just like it is going to be next Saturday night at the frat party (which you can go to because you did not procrastinate and did your homework on Friday night). I realize that not everyone can manage to coax up the discipline necessary to force themselves into an attention-getting position. To those people I say: suck it up and get your ass the hell up there. You will learn to appreciate it when you have the grades to pay the bills, assuming you have a major that pays bills.

Keep the syllabus. Laminate the syllabus. Light holy candles in a pentagram and worship the syllabus. The several syllabi are your holy texts and your TA's are your prophets for the months ahead. Study and love them.

Expect to do the homework and go to class. Stupid, I know. But seriously, if you go to class and do the homework, all of it, on rainy afternoons when you want to be playing mario kart, but which you know is worse than either (a) not getting an A or (b) getting an A because you are working on sunny, happy, fun afternoons when everyone is drunk, you'll be better off. I know you can't do much about this on the first day, but you can prepare yourself mentally for actually doing work, rather than preparing yourself mentally for dreaming.

Get to know the professor. This is a first week sort of activity rather than a first day thing, and everyone hates a suckup. You don't have to be a suckup. Just wait until the first occurance of office hours and go to them. Wait your turn, unless you go to a school where no one goes to office hours, and in that case, walk right in. Have a prepared question about the material. Ask it. Be openly hostile -- some professors love that sort of thing. In any case, get an answer. This is called establishing rapport, and you want rapport. It helps. E-mail will be good later on, but your first contact has to be personal.

Do these things and you will have an A, which is the point of going to class. At any rate, getting a date is what you can do once you're done with school and have a kickass job with lots of money, thus enhacing your sex appeal, right? Right. Get A's.

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