"So I went down to California to visit my friend, and I want... 'cause I wasn't getting any of it up here, and I go to visit him, and he lives on fucken Hollywood Boulevard, right? Man, and I get to his apartment so he's got the bottles out and he's, and all of a sudden SCHLUP-LUP-LUP-LUP and this ... tail goes under these crates and (fuck!) I'm like "What the Hell is that, man?!" and it turns out my friend had a fucken eleven-foot-long Komodo Dragon living in his apartment. It was so big... big, you couldn't pick it up, man."

"Aren't those an endangered species?"

"Yeah, but it could break your arm with its tail."

Also, on behalf of Zamfir Worshipper, who ain't here:

"I so can't believe you shaved your head! Your hair relates directly to your friends. NO HAIR = NO FRIENDS!

"I was like, omigod, I cannot believe I just spent eight dollars on soap. But then I was like, yeah, but it's really cute soap."

Dividing the Pecans

On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard,

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was.

"Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk. " When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard,

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you.

That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy.

"Well...I can do it standing up.. with my pants down!"
Two girls were walking by me one day as one of them said this to the other. That was about a year ago, and I still have no idea what she was talking about.

And I heard this one while listening to a scanner one day:
"Yeeeeep.. her floors are disgusting! We need to buy Gertrude a new vacuum. Her floors are getting too dirty to do that nasty mamma-jamma by hand."

While driving through Tennessee, I picked this up on the CB:

"I have ten dollars and I'm looking for a good time.. good time.. 10 dollars.. ten minutes... any take-ups?" "Ooh big spender!"

Then when I was on vacation, my stepbrothers were talking while watching Dexter's Laboratory. My younger stepbrother, 8 years old, turned to me and said, "Aimee, you should watch Dexter! He does computers too!"

This was followed up by plenty of laughter.

"So what kind of music do you listen to?"
"Oh, so you mean techno?"
"No.. power sanders.. drills.. that kind of thing."

"And I'll take my 'farm equipment' brakes over those erector set V's any day"

Overheard Dem Bones saying this one in the chatterbox..

"Yea, anyways, I started picking the guys teeth up (cause he was in no shape to do it) and putting them in the little baggy...then--get this--then his GIRLFRIEND comes up to me and she's like "You're strong and hot...wanna make-out?" RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM!"

One of those fake straightlaced boys that wear khakis and polo shirts: "Why do you dress like that, all gothic?"
One of those little pseudo-"goth" highschool freshman girls: "Like, I don't dress gothic! You can't dress gothic! Gothic is like, a religion!"

Taking an oral exam in German class, the teacher asked the student, "Hast du Geschwister?" (Do you have siblings?) The boy confidently answered back, "Ich heiße drei Bruder." (roughly equlivant to "My name is three brother.") The teacher heard me laughing, turned to me and smiled, and then looked back at the student and said, "Und ich heiße Herr Hoppe."

We were listening to an audio tape in German class about schedules. The scenario worked so that there was a male student and a female student discussing their classes for the semester. At the end of the tape, which my teacher had not fully listened to, the male student says to the female student, "Du bist sexy!" (You are sexy!). Much later, after the laughter in the classroom calmed down, we listened to the tape again, but the second time I heard something else after it that no one else did. The girl responded, "Aber du, Thomas, bist nicht sexy." (But you, Thomas, are not sexy.)

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