I'm not sure why this comes to mind. I'm sure I've done worse things. But whenever I try to decide on the single cruelest thing I've ever done, I always feel worst about the time when, as a kid, I was standing on a dock on a pond and my cat, Elliot, walked up to me. He rubbed up against my leg and purred happily. I bent down and scratched his head, stroked his fur, then picked him up and -- just because I thought it would be amusing -- threw him into the pond. He didn't realize what had happened at first, and then he understood what I had done, and he writhed in the air, tried to grasp something, and then fell into the water. He surfaced after a short time and swam to the shore, cold, soaked, and shivering. As soon as he had shaken the water off and licked himself, he came right back to me and rubbed up against my leg again, purring.

I burst into tears.

i broke a heart, once.

after doing it to someone else i finally understood what is was like for her, who did it to me. how even though she said she wanted to stay friends she still dreaded every phone call, every apology, every awkward encounter. i know how all of my frantic pleading for a second chance must've made her feel. i realize know that when people say can we still be friends that they really don't want to at all. that they just say it to look like a little less of an asshole/bitch themselves. if only i knew this a year and a half ago. it would have saved so much pain for both of us.

i want to call her, with this new knowledge. just to tell her that i know now, i understand. that i'm sorry. but i can't. it still hurts too much.

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