Why do famous people only marry other famous people? Surely there is hope for a shiftless layabout like myself to wed someone with all of this wealth and power, without moving from the couch or cleaning up the mountain of empty beer cans at my feet? Why don’t they find this attractive?

Marrying a lay-person such as myself would invariably have the following positive effects on that famous person:

  • inbreeding – with a limited number of famous people, the chances of marrying one’s own cousin must be very real. Marring outside of the Hollywood sphere would increase the chances of children born with the right number of limbs.
  • spreading the wealth – by marrying a fellow famous person, all you are doing is doubling your disposable income. All this wealth cannot make you happy, and can only lead to issues. By combining that huge bank balance with my non-existent salary, not only will you be happier, but you will be contributing to sharing that wealth back out into the community.
  • Media avoidance - celebrities always attract media attention, but what if you were shacked up in a dingy apartment, surrounded in beverage cans, cat faeces and being made to wear an apron and cook for a lazy, no-good layabout like me? What glamour and glitz could the paparazzi possibly read into that? You would be left alone to do my bidding without all the hassles of having to wear a wig and dark glasses down to the bottlestore to get me another bottle of JD.
  • Farcical weddings - instead of a 2000-guest wedding reception held on a secluded beach somewhere on a remote tropical island, it could be a simple, no fuss, pay-your-own-way knock-up wedding ceremony. Steve Warnsley, grocery packer and Justice of the Peace from Marish’s Pack and Go, would preside, and the reception could be held at Pete’s Peas and Pudd Grill. No mess, not fuss, no bills!
  • No messy Divorce - once the novelty has worn off, you will still want to stay with me. After all, I will be living out of your pocket for the first 3 months, until you have had enough and want to leave. By then I will have secretly had lawyers (at your expense of course) systematically ensure I own 85% of all of your belongings, am entitled to all of your future income, and have the rights to any, and all, fame-related benefits such as advertising, salary from movies, copyright on all songs written, or even thought of being written, all income from children, grandchildren, and spouse’s children. You will never want to leave, and there would be no need for any messy court proceedings.

And you wonder why they won’t marry me? So do I…

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