I don't miss the past..
I mean... I miss feeling certain things... a level of comfort and security I don't have now... not in a relationship.. but in my situation, and spot at that time in life... Sometimes looking back, I realize that for a moment I forgot how good it can be. Just for a second, I was getting used to settling into blahness. I don't want to live in the past, or try retrace my steps on a path I've already taken. I just need to remind myself why I bother with the fear, the uncertain future, and hassle.
"If it seems like I've been lost in let's remember
If you think I'm feeling older and missing my younger days
Oh, then you should have known me much better
Cause my past is something that never got in my way
You know the good ole days weren't always good
And tomorrow ain't as bad as it seems"
Billy Joel, "Keeping The Faith"
I am so scared to lose control, yet I'm so scared I never will in that way again.
There was a time I would have used the word "whimsical" to describe myself.. heh.. ok so I would couple it with "jaded"... but still... I think my whimsy has grown into something still light-hearted... but a little more grounded.
I'm not as depressed about this as I thought I would be. The caution that growing up has brought, which I was terrified would make me hard.. and dull everything around me -- has really just made me heed my own "bad vibes" from situations.. instead of writing them off. While I may not be as spontaneous as I was, I now have the rush from walking on the wing with my eyes open.