"Good evening, sir, and welcome to Plumington's Fine Wines. We have an excellent selection of all varieties in all prices. Now, here at Plumington's, we fancy ourselves as matchmakers. With our extensive knowledge of varieties and vintages, we attempt to bring our clientele together with wines that not only please the palette, but complement the individual's lifestyle as well. We like to think that once the proper parties are introduced, a long-lasting and satisfying relationship will surely develop. So, how would you describe the results of a satisfying relationship between you and a particular bottle of wine?"
"Well, I'd be drunk, I suppose."
"I see. Now that we've established the parameters for finding a wine deserving of your particular needs, we can begin to hone in on the details for making an informed selection. First, would you be comfortable with a wine that delivers a warm, comfortable sense of relaxation, such as one gets from loosening the tie and putting on an old pair of slippers? Or are you looking for a cheek-tingling sense of effusiveness, something to give you a feeling of expansive camaraderie?
Perhaps you need a confidence-boosting, mood-elevating, tongue loosener, guaranteed to overcome those pesky inhibitions? Maybe you'd like to bypass congeniality altogether, and head right for boisterousness! Many varieties of grape encourage one to speak out pompously on the subject of religion or politics.
We can also recommend certain vintages that promote an exaggerated sense of persecution, including hints of huffiness, with a finish that leads to rambling, incoherent discourse.
If none of the aforementioned suit you, we would suggest some bolder choices, for those ready to butcher the sacred cow of bourgeois respectability. These more impertinent libations are certain to deliver more lively affectations, such as charming speech anomalies, adventurous challenges to the personal space of others, as well as the always amusing loss-of-motor-control.
If these still lack the audaciousness required of the discriminating imbiber, there remains a truly unique variety that, among certain connoisseurs, is considered unbeatable for producing the most shameless and degrading impertinence, even among the clinically reserved. The effects of this wine on one's personality and physiology are guaranteed to promote both shock and alarm amongst friends and family. Satisfied consumers often remark enthusiastically on the sheer power of this wine, both on its way in, and on its way out. We've heard reports of purple plumes projecting up to twelve feet, and that's from either end!"
"I have just one question:"
"It's not too oaky, is it?"