I am sending this to you because I cannot get other people to print it. The newspaper says no, and the TV stations don't let me in no more. And when I print it out and tape them up downtown, they get torn down and the police say it is vandalism. It is not vandalism, I am trying to spread the word. So I am sending this to you.

This is how you get into the Bleak Cabaret.

First, you must go downtown in October. The Bleak Cabaret is not open any time but October. You must go downtown. Not just any downtown -- it has to be the one where you live right now. Start walking, and stay in the downtown area. That might be a big area; it might be small. But stay downtown among the shiny businesses and the grimy alleys. 

As you walk, start counting doors. It doesn't matter if you count every door, and it doesn't have to be exterior doors. If you go inside somewhere, count the doors there. Front door, men's room, women's room, storage room -- that's four doors. 

If you see a door, count it. If it's one of the doors at the top of stairs where there's an apartment, count it. You don't have to go upstairs and count all the doors you see there. But if you see a door, count it. If you don't see a door, don't count it. If you don't look at a door, you don't see it, so don't count it. This is important. Count the doors. 

Count to your age once and then twice and then three times. Continue counting your age. When you've counted your age seven times, open the last door and go inside. If the door is locked, that is too bad. You will never get into the Bleak Cabaret. Go home.

But if the door opens, go inside and ask to use the restroom. If they say no, that is too bad. You will never get into the Bleak Cabaret. Go home. 

If you get permission to use the restroom, go in and put a handful of crumpled sage into the toilet. Say "I renounce all that I was and all that I might be. I renounce all. I renounce." Then flush.

Go back outside. Cross the street. Look for the door with the sign that reads "The Bleak Cabaret." If you can't find it, that is too bad. You will never get into the Bleak Cabaret. Go home.

If you find it, go inside. There will be music and drinks. The music will be decadent and wicked. You will probably dance to excess. The musicians, however, should be avoided. They are dire and haunted. Avoid all eye contact

You may glimpse the building manager. You should not seek him out. He is a man without humor, and he has no patience for the vices of those who visit the Bleak Cabaret. 

Order the house red. It's very good.

When it's time to go, you may be stopped at the door. The building manager may ask you to stay longer. I'm sorry. You will be subjected to terrible procedures, and you will be one of the musicians forever after.

If they let you leave, your life will continue on as before. You'll live much longer than you expected to. But the Bleak Cabaret still gets you at the end.

The house red is very good.


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