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OFFICIAL, DIVINE, ALL-INCLUSIVE EXCUSE

Worth 15,000 Indulgences
or 3 million years in Purgatory (sorry, no Hell time)

Multi-Purpose Certificate of Forgiveness, Absolution, Reprieval, Clearance, Immunity and/or Total SubLegal Impunity for ALL Sins, Transgressions, Intemperances, Vices, Errors, Failings, Personal Faults, Indiscretions, Lapses, Trespasses, and Crimes against MAN, WOMAN, CHILD, LAW, NATURE, and GOD.

     The Bearer is a High Priest, Apprentice OverMan Class, of The Church Of The SubGenius, a religious faith for Scoffers, Blasphemers, Infidels, Heathens, Pagans, Desecrators, Cursers, Back-Sliders, Hysterics, Idolators, Heretics, Apostates, Reprobates, Ranters, Dervishes, Unctuous Canters, Precisians, Fetishists, Perverts, the Faithless, the Carnal, the Ungodly, the Impious, the Apathetic, the Indifferent, and the Graceless; also: weirdos, creeps, morphodites, crips, freaks, superior mutants, OverMen, wise men and guys, and all members of the species Homo Correctus: the ethnically all-encompassing SubGenius Race.

     The foremost Law of this sacred Church is Total Slack. To alien space manipulator Jehovah 1 the God of Wrath, the very concept of "wrong" as it is known on this planet is exactly equal to the concept of "right," in terms of cosmic usefulness; both are equal to everything else, at least in theory, and THUS: To restrict the behavior of any known SubGenius because of social, moral, religious or "scientific" codes of any mere human making is AGAINST Jehovah 1 and His Stark Fist of Removal, against His tools the SubGenii, and against His inscrutable plans to return this world to some lascivious Eden-like state through whatever method of intervention with human history He chooses, be it the ignition of atomic war, economic disaster or hostile UFOs.

     Therefore: To accuse this righteous member of the Church of any wrongdoing whatsoever or to otherwise cause him feelings of discomfort -- to take up his Slack in any way -- is to restrict his freedom of religion, guaranteed by the Constitution of these United States of America, and to invite doom upon every living creature on this green Planet of the Clocks.

WHAT THIS PERSON DID WAS HIS FATED DUTY
AND HENCE JUSTIFIED, SANCTIFIED,
and FOREVER CONDONED.

Authorized by these Official Agents of JEHOVAH 1:

"signed" J. R. "Bob" Dobbs,High Epopt and Primanimal
Upon the Recommendation of the High Unpredictables

Philo Drummond,OverMan 1st Degree

Witness: Sacred Scribe Rev. Ivan Stang

DONE in convention by the genetically programmed consent of the self-morealized SubGenii present, on this the  41  day of the season of  'ung  in the year of one of the Lords 2BX and of the total superiority of the SubGenius Race.

 

Note: any contradictions apparent in this certificate are an integral part of the belief system of the Church and are thus entirely non-contradictory.

for more info send $1 to:
The Church of the SubGenius
P.O. Box 140306, Dallas, TX 75214

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