Rewritten December 28th 2000:
Tweaked a bit December 10th 2004:

Church of the SubGenius is a little more than just another Texas-Based UFO Death Cult. The religious doktrine centers around their founder, J. R. "Bob" Dobbs. "Bob" is the Living Avatar of slack and Saint of Sales on planet Earth. They prescribe to the healing powers of Excremeditation, examine trance-spouted prophecy, and speak of the day when Jehovah-One will send the X-ists to this world from the Planet X with the Alien Space Goddesses to whisk away all truly worthy SubGenii from this place and then rain hellfire and brimstone on the pink The Conspiracy and its dupes, the pinkboys and the Normals. SubGenii seek out Short Duration Personal Saviors and realize that with all the Jesii throughout history, even if one of them is the True Messiah, there's dozens that are not. All True SubGenii are Yeti-descendants, which might explain why some of them are so damned hairy. The Church does not prescribe to forgive you of your sins or wipe your sins clean in any messy lamb's blood. "Bob" is NOT the Son of God (although J.C. is now on the payroll). The Church of the SubGenius gives you an all-inclusive excuse for your sins.

The Sacred Post Office Box of the Church of the SubGenius was 140306 in Dallas, Texas 75214, but I think it's moved. It's also schismed so much that who is actually in charge of things can be argued. The Keyholders to the P.O. Box are Sacred Scribe Reverend Ivan Stang and The Lord Jesus Christ aka Jesus Bevaquila. Pastor Buck Naked used to help out Stang, but he did too many jokes about Dick Armey and committed the worst sin that exists in the Church: he stopped being funny. SubGenii speak of prying open your third eye and pulling the wool over your own eyes so you can relax in the safety of your own delusions, cuz pretty soon you'll get tired of those delusions and start thinkin' for yourself. That's what "BOB" wants you to do.

To quote from Pope David Meyer, "the church might be a joke, BUT IT'S A JOKE YOU CAN BELIEVE IN!"

A Sub Genius, is a member of the "Church of the SubGenius" founded by J.R. Bob Dobbs in 1953. The church's doctrine "The Book of the SubGenius", started by JR Bob Dobbs and revised by D. Phigo U. Drummond and Rev. Ivan Stang, defines their beliefe structure from Aliens to Slack to X-ists and more. This is how the good book itself describes these fine people:

Most people totally misunderstand the term "SubGenius." Look at the word. What does it mean?

It means NOTHING! It's utterly ambiguous. All-purpose. It sure as hell doesn't mean "just below genius level." To "Bob" and his mighty friends in The Council of None, one happy idiot is worth far more than ten A-Bomb inventing geniuses. We throw most so-called "geniuses" OUT. They're too nervous, they take themselves too seriously, they're Snide. They do not truly 'know' Slack.

Praise "Bob," there are as many idiot SubGenii as "smart" ones. Most prevalent, however, are smart-asses. It isn't brains, but an intuitive, anti-Pink, anti-cute Attitude Mutation. The Conspiracy has proved that you can have "high intelligence" but still not be able to Think.

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