Some days I watch news
on tv, and they show 7 year olds selling a few chewing gums on rags by dusty road corners in broken cities of Afghanistan
. The kids beam and smile at the camera and my heart breaks
, and it makes a sound, so sharp, its deafening. I shut my ears, and I close my eyes.
And some days when I let my heart take over, from my mind, the control of my soul, I've noticed that I can float in the air. With a little effort, maybe even fly (if only I would try).
Then this one time, one very old man, they showed, in a refugee camp in Pakistan-Afghanistan border was talking to a war correspondent. His young son had died in a bomb blast and he had ran here with his 3 granddaughters (none of them even 10 year old). He had no tv, he didn't know that it was the war against terrorism that got his son by mistake. "I didn't even know", he kept repeating, "I had no idea ..."
And some days I close my eyes and pretend to sleep, pretend to be dreaming of you, and if I drift in sleep while pretending, sometimes I think my dream continues. Some nights I've noticed, if I try very hard, I can sleep peacefully. With a little effort, maybe even smile (even if for just a little while).
Last Sunday I walked into a church in the middle of mass, it ended with church music. Countless voices were echoing. After everyone left, one by one, and music died, there was silence. Infinite, endless, deep silence. I sat down on a bench and tried to talk to Jesus. But the words didn't come. The silence was so dominating, my thoughts couldn't gather enough courage to break it.
This morning I read news online and saw picture of families living on Kashmir border vacating their homes for fear of war. They were moving with all their belongings; children and women sat with bundles and trunks on bullock carts that men were stearing.
Some nights I've noticed that however long I cry, no one comes and consoles me. However much I open my arms, no one comes and hugs. Some nights I notice, all the moonlight in the world can't take away the eclipse on my soul. Some nights I dream of empty temples, some nights Gods walk upto me, sit down with me cracking peanuts.
Some days when no one's watching, I look nice. With a little effort, maybe even beautiful (and forget for a moment the sad, the cruel) ...