It has recently come to my attention that there is a dangerous threat to the ecology of the world's oceans. As we all know, plankton is the most important form of life in the ocean. These tiny creatures are at the base of all the food chains. Any threat to these creatures threatens the viability of not only all life in the oceans, but ultimately all life on the planet. Therefore, I call on you all to make others aware of this danger so that we can avert it before it is too late.

The danger is, of course, whales. Whales swim around blithely eating jillions of plankton every hour, with no thought as to the long-term consequences of their actions. Did you know that the average plankton- eating whale will consume 40 jillion plankton, every hour of every day? At this rate, all of the plankton in the world's oceans will be totally consumed in approximately 42 years. Once the plankton is all gone, the chemical balance of the oceans will be irreversibly upset, leading to massive pollution, rapid buildup of atmospheric carbon dioxide, huge increase in the greenhouse effect, and ultimately, extinction of all life on the planet.

And the danger is not limited to the planktonivorous whales. The fish-eating whales also spend a lot of time swimming around with their mouths open, as they have to let water in to their mouths so that it can pass over their gills so that they can breathe. Zillions of plankton are slaughtered by these whales, and the whales do not even want to kill the plankton! They do it by accident!

So, by now you are probably wondering what you can do to help our planktonic friends? Well it is quite simple, whales must be exterminated. Lobby your government to reinstate whaling in your country (unless you live in an enlightened country like Japan or Norway), and start using whale products at every opportunity. Get hold of some plankton, and grow them in a marine aquarium in your house. *Note*: it is *vital* that you do not allow any whales into your plankton-sanctuary aquarium, or your planktonic buddies will be slaughtered in their sleep!

So let our battle cry be heard: "Save the plankton! Kill the whales!" and let there be an end to the senseless massacre of the poor defenceless plankton, lifeblood of the oceans.

Well I gotta go and get me a whale burger.

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