In this write up, I’m going to try and kill two birds with one stone.

Quick, what do Elvis Presley, Liberace, Sylvester Stallone and Dolly Parton all have in common?

Besides the fact that they were in showbiz in one form or another, they all shared an affinity to rhinestones. Elvis and Liberace both liked wearing them on stage and Sly and Dolly actually made a crappy movie by the same name.

Let’s start out by trying to define exactly what a rhinestone is.

For those of you who like sparkly shit and can’t afford diamonds the rhinestone is right up your alley. Most of them are just cheap glass, rock crystals or some kind of acrylic that are coated with a metal powder to make them all shiny. Originally they were rock crystals gathered from the Rhine river in Germany and the name has stuck to this day.

If you’re anything like me and suffer through occasional bouts of insomnia you’ve more than likely seen them advertised on late night television. You can purchase a kit with a shitload of colored stones and a glue gun and fancy up just about any old piece of clothing that’s sitting in the closet. Remember that faded denim jacket you wore back in the 80’s? Well, with the liberal application of some strategically placed rhinestones you can bring it back to life. Just think of the fashion statement you’ll be making as you strut down the street like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever looking all sparkly an’ shit.

Now for the movie...

Like a Rhinestone Cowboy
Riding out on a horse in a star-spangled rodeo
Like a Rhinestone Cowboy
Getting cards and letters from people I don't even know

That little ditty comes to us courtesy of Glen Campbell back in 1975 and was the inspiration for a truly dreadful movie by the name of Rhinestone back in 1984.

Staying true to character and not stretching his acting abilities, Stallone plays a slow dimwitted New York City cab driver named Nick Martinelli and delivers an unbelievable performance. (And by unbelievable I mean unbelievably bad.)

Dolly plays a country lounge singer named “Jake” (?) that for unknown reasons is stuck playing in some dive bar masquerading as a nightclub for urban cowboys. She wants to get out of her contract and return home to her roots. In order to accomplish this she makes a bet with the manager of the club that she can turn anybody into a country singer within two weeks. He takes the bet on the following conditions. First, if she loses she has to stay on for the remainder of her deal and then have another five years added to her gig. If she wins, she’s free to go. The manager later ups the ante to include some sex with her if she loses. He also gets to pick whomever he wants to fill the role.

Somehow he stumbles on Nick and realizes that he’d be the perfect choice in order to win the wager. Besides not be able to sing a note, Nick can’t stand the genre of country music to begin with. Jake then decides to whisk him back to the hills of Tennessee for a two week crash course on the art of country singing.

Just how bad is the dialogue between Sly and Dolly? Glad you asked. Here’s a little snippet that I lifted from IMBD.

Jake:” Do you play an instrument?”

Nick Martinelli:” Yeah, I can sorta play a couple of chords on this organ I have at home. Hey, I'll tell you what, why don't you come to my house and teach me a new song? “

Jake:” Go to your house, huh? I suppose that's so you can show me your organ, right?”

Nick Martinelli:” Why do you think I'm conning you? I tell you I really do have this big organ!”

Jake:"All right, we'll go to your place and you can show me your organ. But I'm warning you, it'd best be having music coming out of it.

If that’s not bad enough, try picturing Stallone wearing a jacket with fringes, a western style shirt, tight pants, chaps, and high heeled cowboy boots?

Better yet, feast your eyes on this. I don't know who that guy is in the middle but from the looks of it he's got some serious shit going on in his pants. I can't tell if Sly or Dolly is the reason for "the bulge".

Ugh

Naturally the movie ends with Stallone wowing the crowd and Dolly winning her bet.

For his efforts in this tour de force, Stallone also won the Golden Raspberry Award for worst performance by an actor in 1984.

In addition, it also won a Razzie for Worst Original Song. It was for a tune called “Drinkenstein” sung by none other than Sly himself. I hate to do this to you but I don’t feel like I’ve given the movie the proper respect it deserves so here’s sampling of some of the lyrics.

Budweiser you created a monster
and they call him Drinkenstein
And the tavern down the street is the labba-tor-eye-ee
where he makes the transformation all the time
And a stein of Dr. Buuuud is a pint of monster blood
and it does effect me different every time
Budweiser you created a monster
and they call me Drinkenstein
And they call me Drinkenstein
I'm Drinkenstein!
I'm Drinkenstein!

Jeezuz H. Christ, if I’d have heard that back in the day I’d have been forced to swear off my favorite beverage for the rest of my life.

In closing, I guess the semi quasi precious gem known as the rhinestone also has something in common with the movie Rhinestone.

They’re both pretty fuckin’ tacky.

Source(s)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088001/quotes
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rhinestone_(film)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rhinestone

Rhine"stone` (?), n. [Cf. G. rheinkiesel Rhine quartz.]

A colorless stone of high luster, made of paste. It is much used as an inexpensive ornament.

 

© Webster 1913.

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