when i was a little girl, i consumed all manner of potentially damaging controlled substances. but when i became a woman, i put away childish things.

oh, but please don't be offended, because i'm not trying to say that if you still use drugs or alcohol, you are childish. rather, that wild, unfettered experimentation is rooted in curiosity, a trait most often found in children, but one that remains necessary through the rest of our lives.

not too long ago, i did try a new drug (ecstasy) and i thought long and hard to remember the last time i had taken such a risk. in high school, i had drawn a bright line between drugs i would try and those i refused to. i thought i'd indulged every whim i'd ever had. odd to find out i was wrong.

i noticed that it was different this time.. i was more afraid and the assurances of seasoned users with no reason to hide ulterior motives did nothing to assuage that.

more importantly, i saw something that had been there for a long time: reality is more interesting. for years, smoking weed has done nothing but put me to sleep. lsd just frustrates me, eventually, because i can't trust my perceptions and things i find significant i suspect would not be, were i sober. i can still drink, because it does little more than relax me, and nicotine merely gives me something to occupy my hands with.

i'm tired of drugs. the novelty has worn off. and i'm not sad that i experimented and i don't think it's wrong, but i think those days are over for me. it feels better to know that i find fascination in the world as i see it sober, that i can write mental poetry that will make sense in 24 hours, that i can think deeply about things at the drop of a hat and not have to question my conclusions. i certainly do not presume to judge anyone, but for myself, anymore, i don't indulge.