As with any life, any sort of schedule
, we have fallen into our ruts. We wake up, assume positions, maintain our posture throughout the day. It gets tiresome and heavy and it gets to a point where even the slightest hint of expectation will make me want to go to sleep.
We are creatures of convenience, so that any sequence of events that repeats itself becomes a norm, any norm that is deviated from becomes cause for discussion, analysis, or mere curiosity; all of which hurt my head.
I am trying to wean my mother off once-a-day phonecalls. It is slow going, because I forget myself, and I think of something I want to tell her. Stop, I say to myself as I reach for the phone.Save it for tomorrow. It is both of us who need to learn, but my stability (maybe) in the balance.
I am lying across the bed with the baby girls, my sister wants to know where I am going today. What are your plans? Plans. Did I forget to make plans? I somehow thought that in leaving New York I’d leave behind the need for some sort of direction. I am not a tourist. I don’t want to see things. I want to wake up and eat breakfast and maybe node and play with the kids. And then I’ll do something else, maybe, but it’s not something you’d expect, and probably not anything I’ll want to do again tomorrow. Just a random decision.
I am trying to remember that at work, expectations are a good thing, and to be dealt with. I work for them, they pay me money; I am expected to produce. My standards of incompetence are my own, I cannot force my ‘leave me alone’ness on them. I will have to deal with it in some other way. Probably from within.
I envy you, yes you, I know you have expectations floating around near you, and I’m sure you have just as little, if not less, desire as I do to fulfill them. But what they want from you is not what they want from me, in becoming someone other than myself, I think it may take less out of me to become you instead of their version of me. It would be less taxing on the strength I need for survival.
I think it’s time I learn how to deal with this. It’s going to follow me around forever.