The Everything2 Daily
"All the News that's fit to digitize, post, and be voted on by Functioning Illiterates."
Honor Roll Sacked; The End is Nigh!
Users of Everything2 never had a chance.
When they awoke on Wednesday morning, their
beloved and venerable Honor Roll had been replaced with a new leveling system,
promising infinite levels, a poorly defined Gold Standard, and worst of all? No
experience points for voting. The power structure of E2 were unreachable in
their ivory tower, so we went to the street, to get the human story. We spoke
to Everythingian Senso, who was devastated.
lost so much in this changeover: friends, my self-respect, XP. I never saw it
coming.” He told us. We were standing in what was left of his homenode, which was demolished by
Hurricane Oolong. He showed us where his XP had been, the levels his
grandmother brought over from the old country. What would he do, now that
everything had been taken from him?
and rebuild, I guess.”
The scene wasn’t so hopeful for
his neighbor, Excalibur. According to the provisions of his parole, he isn’t
allowed within 400 feet of... Story continued on page 2
New System Discourages Voting, Residents Say
voting no longer rewarded by XP, Everythingians are hit where it hurts most:
their free time.
know what to do with myself today.” Said user GhettoAardvark.
is a 34 year old chronic bed-wetter and contributer to E2. Ever since losing
his job he's been sitting alone at home, dividing his time equally
between incidents of 'roid rage, voting on E2 and putting Bugles on
the ends of his fingers and pretending to be some sort of
Barbecue-Flavored witch. Without the incentive to
vote, he was left with nothing to do.
so bored, I went outside.” He told us over the phone.
How did it feel?
“It burned a little.”
Even all the way on the other side of the world, noders were feeling the time crunch.
"Dude, I went through three bongs today." Said
noted drug-legalization activist, Augustine. "I got sooooo bored, I
decided to get ready for Easter. I went to a bunch of stores, trying
to buy like, those chocolate bunnies, cause I was like 'Ohhh Chocolate,
**** yeah!' But they were all, 'We don't celebrate Easter in China,
We politely informed Augustine of what time of year it was, and what country he was in.
"Japan, no ****?" He looked sad for a moment, but then a grin spread across his face.
"No worries. You know what they got here?" I didn't.
"Vending-machine panties, bro."
Clearly, something has to be done.
Zombies Walk Earth; Eat Brains
Candidates Found in Gay Embrace:
McCain and Obama's Secret Love Nest
Story on page 5