I have consolidated some of my less remarkable daylogs here to cut down on the sheer number of them in my usersearch.
May 25, 2001
I really feel like I can only manage to take control of one part of my life at a time.
I can't seem to watch my weight, quit smoking, get exercise, keep myself, (and my house) clean, and be confident enough to interact with other humans. (At least I can't do all of those things at once).
If I try hard I can do all right with one of those things at a time. (Usually messing up the others). I just can't manage to do them all, (or really even 2 of them for that matter).
Since tonight is friday night my 2 friends will no doubt drag me off someplace in a lame attempt to find a girlfriend for me. This never works. The closest it has ever come to working is when we met 3 girls and went out to dinner with them and found out, (pretty late in the evening), that they were 16 years old. I was actually relieved because I had hardly said a word all night and my "date" showed no interest in me at all. (That sadly enough is the most female contact I have had in nearly a year).
Random tidbits and rants.
May 30, 2001
I am going to have to find a new job soon.
I work the graveyard shift at a hotel. My job is simple. I answer the phone, check in the 1 or 2 people a night that arrive on my shift, and do a backup of the computer system. I took this job because I was supposed to be alone for 7 of those 8 hours. That is how it was at first.
First came Joe the Van driver. He is off work at 11pm when I clock in. But does he go home? Hell no. He has to stay for an hour and watch Jerry Springer on the lobby television. It wouldn't be so bad but he has it turned up so loud that I have to hear it too. Then whenever there is a commercial he feels the need to come over to the desk to inform me; how much he made in tips that day, how hard he worked, how he was scheduled thursday instead of friday, etc etc etc.
Joe cannot comprehend that I don't make his work schedule, and that I don't care about weather he made 6 dollars or 9 dollars in tips that night, and that complaining to me about a raise isn't gonna get him one.
Soon after Joe came Thomas. Thomas is the one who does my job on the weekend. Now he works my shift on the weekend and the 3-11 shift 3 nights a week. Now this boy will not go home for anything. I have never seen him leave before 1 AM. This boy gets off at 11PM. Why the hell is he still at work 2 to 3 hours after his shift is over.
Thomas can't comprehend that I am not his friend, that I don't want to hear his flimsy rationalizations for stalking the weekend breakfast girl, and that I really don't want to give him the details of every sexual encounter I ever had.
Barb the breakfast lady came next. Barb is supposed to be at work at 5:45 am every morning to set up the Continental breakfast that our hotel serves. (This only takes 10 minutes to set up)
So what time does Barb arrive every morning? 3:30 AM. 2 hours and 15 minutes early. Then she proceeds to turn the lobby television up ungodly loud.
Barb thinks that I know everything about her job, that I order the food for her kitchen, and that I can shit tables.
We have 6 long tables in our hotel. The meeting room layout given to her requires 7 sometimes when both of our meeting rooms are full.
Every time this happens she comes up to me and expects me to somehow come up with an 8 foot long table. Every time I once again nicely explain to her that I don't have any tables, and she will have to make due with what she has. Every time the food gets delivered to her kitchen she comes to me with some complaint or question about it. Every single time I tell her that the owner of the hotel orders the food, not me.
Then finally there is Vern. Vern is another van driver. He also has a case of "Won't go home for any damn reason". Vern is off at 11PM but he doesn't dissapear until about 1 or 1:30 on average. But he doesn't even go home then. If Vern can find an empty room in the hotel he will stay in it. Sometimes he doesn't go home for weeks at a time.
Vern doesn't realize that I don't want to hear 2 hours worth of gossip about hotel employees (that I have never met because they work the opposite shift from me) every single day.
I could understand it if these people were riding the clock. But they aren't they all clock in and out at the proper time. I have checked.
They all seem to think that I simply have the answers to everything.
I just don't know how much longer I can put up with these people. Can you just go up to someone and tell them, "You are really sad please change"?
June 1, 2001
Today in the chatterbox I got a blank /msg, from a level 1 user. I checked out their homenode. I said hmmm this looks familar. Sure enough it was Jesi. The girl I have been dating. I am so happy that she has taken a liking to E2.Things have been working out with us a lot better than I ever dreamed when I wrote my first daylog about her.
My whole self image has really changed a lot in the past few weeks. Jesi is the main reason. I hope she gets a warm welcome here on E2. So far her first 2 nodes have been downvoted. But she is still new. I am sure she will do much better after she gets the hang of it. She is great like that.
It really is exciting to finally be with a girl who is actually interested in something that I like too. Jesi I know you will read this, so good luck here. I will help you whenever you need help. I hope we can get together this weekend. Hopefully we can make some new daylog material.
June 24, 2001
The trip to Kansas was not as fun as I had hoped it would be. Our friend, (Josh), that we were meeting didn't get there until 11:30PM. So we proceded to the supermarket to get some beer. That is when we learned the horrible truth about Kansas. Liquor sales in Kansas stop at midnight, even on the weekend.
So we make a mad dash back to Missouri to try and buy some beer before the 1:30 am cut off that they have there. We make it just in time
The rest of the evening was rather uneventful, except for Dave that is. About 3:00 am Dave comes running out of the hotel room bathroom. He yells "Superman" and dives onto the bed. The bed being cheaply made promptly falls apart. We managed to cobble it back together in the morning. But it is gonna fall apart agan as soon as someone lays down on it. I am just glad that the room wasn't under my name.
July 19, 2001
The Incident with the shoes
I am about to do my laundry when I notice that my shoes have a lot of red paint on them, (overspray from the Double Dragon arcade game that I have been refinishing). So I toss them in the washer.
A bit later I toss them in the dryer, (I set it to 15 minutes on medium heat), and go back upstairs to watch tv with my roommates. About a minute later Tammy asks, "Whats that noise". I tell her it is my shoes in the dryer. Her and Ryan start freaking out about my shoes being in the dryer. They tell me that my shoes will melt, and that I am going to break Tammy's new dryer, and that their dryer doesn't have a medium setting, (it does). I decide not to fight it and head downstairs, (even though both myself and my family have stuck shoes in the dryer for over 20 years with no ill effects).
I am taking my shoes out when Tammy calls downstairs, "I don't want your shoes in my dryer". I yell back upstairs, "I already took my fucking shoes out of your dryer", (that is very out of character for me). Now I am angry, not at Tammy, (she has always been wierd about stuff like that, I am used to it), but at myself.
I realize that I don't really own any of the stuff in my house. The washer and dryer belong to Tammy, (along with the vast majority of the furniture). Ryan owns the Stove, fridge, microwave, and all the TV and stereo equipment. What do I own? I will tell you what, some second hand furniture, and a bunch of computers.
I would always go with them when they would buy all this stuff for the house. Sadly they would always go out of my price range on things, so I am never able to contribute, (they both make quite a bit more than I do). When they decided to buy a television, they picked out a Sony Vega with a price tag of $1000. I couldn't afford $333 to own a third of that, (thats a weeks pay for me). So they bought it without me. So now it is their television, (which I am reminded of everytime I ever want to watch anything they don't like). It's like that with everything in the house. Sometimes it doesn't even feel like home. I have been slowly trying to get some things of my own for the second story of the house, (my floor), but it has been slow going because of my limited income.
July ?, 2001
Last night I had sex for the first time in almost a year.
August 8, 2001
My roommates convinced me to get off work and go to this big outdoor party. (It took quite a lot of convincing since I wasn't really going to know anyone at the party).
We got there and I just couldn't get up enough courage to talk to anyone. So I stood around drinking and talking to the three people there that I did know. After a while my 2 roommates got into a big fight and left without telling me. While my other friend Dave had wandered off in some lame attempt to cheat on his wife.
So here I am all alone with about 9 beers in me.So I do what any other self respecting guy with Social Anxiety Disorder would do. I freak out. I end up sitting in my car crying softly. I can't leave because I can't find Dave. I can't get out of my car because I am freaking out.
After about ten minutes this dark haired girl about 19 years old comes over to my car and asks me whats wrong. I tell her. She seems very understanding. 20 minutes later we are making out. Then Dave shows up at the car with the best friend of the girl I am with, (weird Huh). We all leave and go to my house. The girl Dave was with, who turns out to work with my roommate Tammy, (curiouser and curiouser), changes her mind about Dave so he goes home.
Cut to upstairs, everything was going smoothly until I realized I couldn't find my emergency condom. I actually had to leave the girl in bed and go get some, (thank God I live directly across the street from QuickTrip).
So I ended up having sex with her 3 times before she went home that morning. (I was quite surprised at my endurance since I hadn't done it in so long).
I can't say that I am truely interested in this girl. She really isn't my type at all. Which I figured out talking to her the next morning. I guess I will see her a few more times so I won't be a jerk, but I really don't see anything happening between us.
My self esteem though has done a complete 180 degree turn around. I feel great about myself now. I don't seem to be scared of people at all now like I was before. Ryan, Tammy and I went to Jack in the Box for breakfast, (after the girl went home). As luck would have it my Jack in the Box girl was there. Ever since I moved into this neighborhood I have really had a thing for this pretty little red haired girl who works at the Jack in the Box.
Today I was actually able to talk to her. I even gave her my phone number.
I was surprised to see that she called me as soon as she got off work.
Talking to her I found that she was only seventeen years old, (my guess would have been 19 or 20). So it turns out that she is a not really an option, (I will be 24 pretty soon).
But these 2 events so close together have really pounded into my head that I might just be alright, that I might find true love someday.
Just 24 hours ago I never would have believed it.
The following is a verbatim copy of a letter that I just taped to the door of my two roommates, (after they had a big fight). I am quite drunk as I am noding this, so editors feel free to fix any spelling errors that you see.
I am very drunk when I am writing this. So It may be hard to read.
Hey, both of you!
Don't throw away things so fast. There are some people who look up to you, ya know.
I consider both of you my family. I live with you, I see you everyday, you are my family.
It hurts me to see my family fight. It hurts me to see my family argue. I look up to both of you more than you will ever know.
Ryan, except for your violent tendencies, you are exactly the person that I strive to be. Tammy, I look up to you. I only wish that I could meet a girl who loves me like you love Ryan.
I know that love comes easily for both of you. Well it doesn't come easily for everyone. Some people, (me), lay awake at night wishing that they could have what you have.
Ryan, you have had Melissa, and Meilissa, and Tammy. Three girls who loved you. Three, thats right three. Three chances at happiness. While all I can do is stay awake at night and hope that Katie loved me. You know what? Half the time I am not even sure If Katie ever loved me. While you, (both of you), sit and complain about the other one. Not even realizing how hard it is to find true love.
Ryan, lets talk about Melissa and Melissa. As far Melissa #1 is concerned, I loved her from the start. I did not feel that I was good enough for her. So I pushed her off on you. That was wrong, I can admit that now. My feelings of inadequacy started your relationship with her. You gave her your virginity, once again. I am sorry, Melissa #1 should have had my virginity, and not yours.
Yes, I kissed her. On two occasions, (not counting the infamous game of "Suck and Blow"). I did not mean you any ill will, I was only looking for the love that I had never had>
As far as Melissa #2 is concerned. I fell in love with her slowly. While you were falling in love with her body, I fell in love with her mind. In the end neither one of us was right for her. When you broke up I tried, I tried so very hard to get her to love me. But Melissa tossed me aside like so much chaff, (like I am so often treated).
I never kissed Melissa #2. I know that I told you I did. But it was a lie. I hoped somehow, that by me saying that it happened, that it would become a reality. But you can rarely talk something into being real. I know that now.
Know, lets talk about Tammy. She is the first girlfriend that you have had in years, that I was not interested in. Don't get me wrong. I truly believe, that Tammy is wonderful, just not for me, but I think that she is perfect for you. I am not going to deny my jealousy. I am quite jealous of your relationship with Tammy. But what I am not jealous about is Tammy herself.
She is all yours. I would love to have someone similar to Tammy, (who loves me like she loves you). But I don't wan Tammy herself.
Tonight I got in the way while you were fighting. I won't deny that. Neither one of you will realize that you are my family, and that what happens between you affects me also. Neither one of you wants to realize how lucky you are. You have each other, while every night for the past six years I have gone to bed alone, wishing, praying, hoping that I would someday have someone to wake up next to.
So before you break up over something stupid, think about me. Think about the person who lives upstairs from you, who only wishes that he could have what you have. All I have is memories of Katie. I don't even know if she even really loved me.
Don't throw away love when it is right there in front of you. It is harder to come by than you think.
After rereading this letter when I sobered up, I decided to leave well enough alone. So I took it off of their door before either one of them ever got to see it.