Yo
home team, what’s up, it’s your bird, Rani.
Here’s
the sitch: We’re turning north and following the mountains up to
the great pine forests. We’re not going to be able to make it
across the plains without being spotted. I asked Guy how you were all
feeling about being birds and he said you were all fine so getting a
cure doesn’t seem hugely urgent.
But
I don’t like to do things without giving you all a say so please
text me with your votes. Just say how many ayes and nays, don’t
give any critical info away.
You’re
probably wondering how I managed to send this letter to you.
Very simple: I’m using the Postal Service. Safe, reliable,
affordable, what’s not to love?
Okay
okay I’ll explain more. See, Ruth and I ran into Hermes the other
day – yeah, that Hermes, winged sandals and everything. Wanted to
carry our messages. Seemed like a bad plan. Prof, maybe you know
better than we do. Anyway, he gave us this bag of coins – shoved it
in our faces really. And I was tempted to chuck it into the woods and
figure something else out, but figuring something else out would have
been stealing, and that would have got us in trouble.
But
Hermes had said not to open the thing until we were at the post
office. So Ruth assumed that whatever was in the bag was probably
meant to cause a hell of a ruckus in there. So we wound up sitting
around the bag a while, wondering what to do, because maybe it
actually had money in it after all, or maybe opening it too early
would cause us to turn into stones or something. I know how those
stories go. So. Maybe that was the fellow’s trick, to get us to
waste time deciding.
So
we just left the bag lying there on the ground that evening. I was
kinda hoping a badger would come along and swipe it or something but
the animals were kinda giving us a wide berth that evening. Rook
couldn’t even snag another deer until they got like twenty miles
from our position. And the birds weren’t even singing in the trees.
It was that bad.
Which
reminded me that I had forgotten to actually record what the birds
were saying about anything. I think I’ve been forgetting since the
first morning I could hear them because I hate how vapid they are.
Mate with me, mate with me, get out of my yard, over and over and
over. I don’t know how Ayaan puts up with it. Bah. Sorry about
losing out on a scientific opportunity. If we’re going to survive
this journey and we’re taking the long way around maybe there’s
more time.
ANYWAY.
So I was actually missing the birdsong that evening and then this
crow shows up and for a second I hope it’s a certain friend of
ours, but I don’t know. The bird just says “Big things will
happen when you open that bag.” Which, okay, that tells us we
shouldn’t bring the thing into the post office, but we don’t get
any more detail before the bird flies off.
I
really miss Crow. I feel safer dealing with them than with the
Olympians. If you couldn’t tell already. ANYWAY, so I suggest to
Ruth that we try to get a few miles from the bag so that we can find
a place where the birds actually are so that I can do my damn
homework like a responsible adult, and she points out that now the
moon is no longer hiding its face, we can’t be sure that stepping
out of the shadows at night is safe. Which means we’re still kind
of stifled. Damn I hate these Olympians. And our own paranoia. You
know, so far we haven’t even been certain that Zeus actually hates
us? We’re just being a bunch of chickens. Buck buck buck.
Trouble
is that that if we risk it and the dice roll bad, we’re all fried.
So
then Ruth is like, I’ve got this oilskin hooded cloak, and I also
packed this Plague Doctor Mask on the off chance that one of us wants
to go among humans. Which is one hell of an outfit for someone to
encounter walking down a dark backwoods road, on the other hand,
nothing else is going to fit our literal beaks. I guess Ruth’s a
smart cookie, eh?
YOU
KNOW IT.
So
I get to put on the mask and the hood and all, which on the one hand
must look creepily awesome, on the other hand the seasons are getting
kinda hot already and I am feeling stifled once again! This thing
ain’t gonna work in the daytime.
So
I go on a nice little hike in the moonlight, all of half a mile
before I realize that my legs are killing me. Well, my legs aren’t
what they used to be, are they? These feet aren’t meant for
walking. (Thanks for that.) I think about tossing the cloak off and
flying but if that’s going to give me away to Selene or something
then never mind. I wind up going back to the camp, giving the cloak
and mask to Ruth, and telling her to take a hike. So to speak.
She’s
a real fast runner these days. The Bird Potion that turned me into a
giant peregrine falcon apparently turned her into a roadrunner. How
the heck does that work? Is it a personality thing? Luck of the draw?
The potion building on our physical abilities? But me being a peregrine of any kind occurred because of the potion, not beforehand.
I was quasi-homeless before the Bird Potion, not a pilgrim. There’s
a difference. Wanderers aren’t pilgrims unless they’re going to a
specific place for the sake of worship.
And
I’m not doing that either, am I? Doctor Morrow ain’t holy and I
ain’t askin’ him for nothin’ nicely.
Anyway,
she got on the cloak and the mask and took off at a slow jog, and
Rook and I sat around for a while, keeping a wary distance from that
dumb bag, still under the cover of the leaves, because maybe Selene
can spot us, or Zeus can, only if there’s an Olympian artifact
sitting right next to us and Hermes already knows where we are then
how are we not zapped already? Are we just hoping that neither of
them are going to rat us out to Big Sky Daddy? Not exactly a solid
plan.
But
as you can tell we haven’t been zapped yet, so, despite how fishy
this whole thing smells, we haven’t made a huge mistake yet.
So
I’m sitting there, worrying about Ruth getting spotted, and how
effective this ruse even would be, I mean she’s got bird legs, how
do you not notice that? And then she comes running up to me and says
the birds are staying that there’s something at the end of the
valley that makes their beak tingle. That it must have come from
Doctor Morrow, they’ve heard of the stuff he gets up to, it tingles
like a Doctor Morrow thing.
So…either
Hermes got his hands on a Doctor Morrow thing, or this Morrow guy is
making things that rival Hephaestus for craft. Or Hermes is working
with the guy, despite what he said about not liking him. What the
heck is going on here.
So
I asked Ruth what the birds were saying about what exactly Doctor
Morrow got up to. And she was li
FORGOT
TO ASK THEM ABOUT THAT. A THOUSAND PARDONS MY LOVE. WILL YOU EVER
FORGIVE ME.
I
will forgive my love for being forgetful. But I shall never forgive
her for stealing the pen from me.
OH,
I AM ASHAMED. I SHALL HAUNT THIS GROUND FOREVER.
ANYWAY.
Ruth took off running again, and I was sitting there feeling fairly
hungry, and I realized I was hungry for songbird. Which made me feel
kind of sick because I just learned how to talk to those folks. If
I’m supposed to be, like, the Prime Minister of birds or something,
I don’t want to go around eating my own constituents! I’m not a
Hanging Judge! So I think, okay, maybe I’ll just eat the
stuff I can’t talk to.
Except
that I managed to talk to that bear once. Did that count? But that
was Artemis, and the Olympians can clearly speak Crow, or maybe any
language. So I think, okay, I’ll just talk to this beetle here, and
it won’t talk back to me, and everything will be fine. And I’m
like “hello there beetle, do you mind if I eat you”.
And
the beetle is like, “Yeah I would but it’s the circle of life and
all that, right?”
Well,
shit.
I
just HAD to be an obligate carnivore, didn’t I? Despite having
taken an oath under Heaven to do no harm? This is a cruel goddamn
joke. Like most of that guy’s jokes. I’m tempted to pray to
him just to tell him off.
But
then, do I actually want an answer from him? I know what happened the
last time I actually asked for one. And to risk his actual presence
is…well, I would be violating my oath, wouldn’t I. Bring down his
wrath upon us or devour a bird, no thank you, I’d rather starve
than give up on my oath that fast.
Fast.
har har har. Feeble jokes won’t fill me.
So
Ruth comes running up and she’s like “Alright the birds say they
don’t see much of Doctor Morrow’s stuff around the mountains
besides the occasional bird-human hybrid, but they prefer to avoid
migrating to the Boreal Forest near the Great Sea because there’s
weird stuff there like moose with human eyes and squirrels talking
human and…some thing that they don’t like to talk about.”
And
I’m l
NOPE,
SORRY. NOT LETTING RANI WRITE THIS ONE DOWN. THE BIRDS SAY THEY’VE
NEVER LAID EYES ON THE THING. THE AIR GETS SO COLD WHEN IT APPROACHES
THAT THEY HAVE TO FLY AWAY. BUT THEY CAN HEAR HEAVY BREATHING AND
LOUD GROWLING AND EARTH-SHAKING FOOTFALLS.
Ruth
thinks I’m a fragile little song sparrow, apparently.
I
DO NOT, IN FACT. RANI DOES NOT SING “ON TOP OF SPAGHETTI” LIKE
THEY DO.
ANYWAY.
There’s also this island where everyone’s eggs keep disappearing
even though the place doesn’t have any snakes or mammals. And any
human who comes to that island doesn’t leave.
And
there are a lot of storms off the sea these days.
Make
of all that what you will.
ALSO
THE STELLER’S JAYS AROUND HERE LIKE TO SING ABOUT HOW PRETTY THEY
ARE AND THE TRUMPETER SWANS LIKE TO SING SCAT.
That’s
not a joke, by the way.
Anyway,
at this point Rook says that if this bag of ours really is from
Doctor Morrow, we should leave it behind. And Ruth says that
something big and powerful like this shouldn’t be left for some
random knuckleheads to find. And I say that if we want to ditch it,
we should either bury the thing or throw it into a pond, assuming it
doesn’t explode. And Ruth says that doing of either of those will
guarantee someone else finds the thing someday, and they’ll open it
and get turned into a rock or something.
And
then Rook is like “I’ll solve this” and he just eats the damn
thing.
Which,
for a second, appears to have settled the matter.
But
then Rook starts choking or something, it looks like he’s either
got the bag stuck or it’s coming back up, Ruth and I are squawking
in panic, and then Rook starts vomiting lightning. Just zap, zap,
zap, one tree after another, and did I mention it’s already the dry
season around here? Three trees burning becomes six, then a bunch,
then a swathe, then a LOT. The forest is screwed and we’re screwed.
Until
Rook’s panicked flapping blows the whole thing out by blowing half
the forest over.
Whatever
the hell Rook is, Professor, you didn’t fully explain to me. Why
did you keep me in the dark? Were you just screwing around with the
CRISPR and got lucky? I’ll be asking you about that in person when
I get back.
If
we get back. The entire fiasco might have given our position away. We
had to hop on Rook and get the hell out of there before any Olympian
came looking.
And
then fifty miles northward, we realized that we’d left most of the
gear behind. Including all those scientific instruments, and the, uh,
not-deadly little destructive device you gave us. Sorry about that.
We’ll pick that thing up on the way back. We still have the
satellite phone and the battery pack in my pockets but that’s it.
And we can’t really go back to get it can we. Sorry about that. I’m
still gonna try to record what the birds are talking about.
We’re
gonna try to send this letter now. If we can reach
the
post office then the letter will reach you. Text us if it does.
Remember, don’t say any stuff in the chat which would give away our
position or route.
LOVE
YOU. GOOD LUCK AND DON’T CRY.
So
there we were, atop one of the twin peaks overlooking a modest but
well-spread town out on the plain.
“We
could fly over it and do an air drop,”
I
said. “The
map app says they’ve got an airport, but it can’t be big enough
to have a huge amount of radar, right?”
“If
it’s an airport they’ve got radar,”
said
Ruth. “We
couldn’t fly over with Rook. Especially since he’s still coughing
up lightning now and then.”
“Oh
come on,” said
Rook. “I’m
perfectly fine now –” They
gagged and lowered their head. There was a loud crackle of
electricity. When they lifted their head, the ground below them was
scorched. “See,
I’m only doing it a little now.”
Ruth
and I both shook our heads.
“Fine,”
muttered
Rook. “I
guess I’ll just sit here and be useless.”
“Hey,”
I
said, “You’ve
been doing good, kid. We’ve been asking a lot out of you to even go
this far. Take a breather for once. Ruth and I will just fly in from
here, maybe look like a couple of condors on radar –”
Ruth
shook her head. “I
haven’t even learned how to fly yet. And I don’t think I can. My
wings are kind of stubby compared to yours.”
She
spread her arms and her wings unfolded to a roughly three-meter span.
“These
things don’t carry me far. I know what carries me far.”
“What,”
I
said, “You
want to just jog into town, looking like a giant roadrunner?”
Ruth
took the cloak and mask from her own pack.
“You
want to run into town, looking like a Plague Doctor who happens to be
able to run as fast as a car.”
“I’ll
put it on when I get close,”
said
Ruth. “Now,
tell me, can your falcon eyes spot the post office from here? I’d
like to be able to make a straight shot for it.”
Falcon
eyes. I hadn’t really bothered to make use of those before, when we
were flying over a dark and wild landscape and we were really close
to the ground. I didn’t even know if I had those. But they looked
like falcon eyes in the mirror, so…I concentrated really hard on
the center of town.
There
in the open air over the plain was a lone nightjar. It looked tasty.
I shook my head and looked past the bird. There was the park. There
was a low-slung brick building next to the park. There were people
inside who did not look happy. There was someone moving towards the
front doors with keys in their hand.
“Straight
shot, but someone is about to lock the – ”
Ruth
took off with a cloud of dust and a roar of wind, leaving Rook and I
to wonder where she’d been hiding all that power. I guess we’d
never really needed to make use of it until now. There was a cloud of
dust intersecting the road, then there were the tall pines
bending in the force of a sudden gale, then a bunch of starlings taking
flight as Ruth skidded to a halt right in front of the post office,
wearing the cloak and mask.
Then
Ruth was barging through the doors right before the guy with the key
reached them. Which technically didn’t count as demanding service
at closing time, right? And I’d warned her, so it wasn’t my
fault. Ah, who was I kidding. I would have to pray for God’s
forgiveness for demanding service at closing time.
Fortunately,
all Ruth had to do in there was use the computer to order some
envelopes and a stamp. Unfortunately, one of the postal workers
looked like they were asking her something, and all she could do was
shake her head. Hopefully they would think she was just non-verbal.
Which
they did. One of them was asking her a question in sign language. I
braced myself for the second-hand embarrassment.
But
then Ruth answered him by signing, and the fellow looked visibly less
agitated. Thank God for a resourceful girlfriend, eh?
“Did
she get the job done?”
said
Rook. “I
don’t being out on this mountaintop. I want to get moving.”
“She’s
coming back now,”
I
said. “There’s
a cloud of dust that – hang on.”
The
visible presence of Ruth’s passage came to a sudden halt just on
the near side of the pines. She was squawking in anger at a human
figure who happened to be wearing a large backpack. Ah, poor guy,
getting in her way. But it was a risk, moving at that speed, eh?
Then
I looked again. The figure had wings on their shoes.
I
screeched, and flapped into the air, then tucked my wings in for a
shallow dive towards the pines. That glib jackass was not going to
cause trouble for my girl, he was not going to corner her, he was
not going to harass her. She would not stand alone. Admittedly, she
was demonstrably difficult to corner, and she could clearly escape
any human harassment. But Hermes was an Olympian, and I couldn’t be
sure that a spirit of swift travel couldn’t
outpace
Ruth.
But
dammit, she wasn’t going to stand alone.
As
I sped closer I could see that Ruth was not having a good time. She
was beating her wings like an angry bird trying to make herself look
bigger, and squawking something at Hermes, who was making large
gestures of his own, like a regular Mediterranean man. Which he was,
wasn’t he. Not exactly regular, not exactly human, but still Greek.
Which once again raised the question of what he was doing lording it
over North America. Maybe if Doctor Morrow was involved with him, I
could get some answers there.
As
I approached Hermes, I realized I was still too high above him. I
went into a steeper dive. Clenched my talons and –
Next
thing I knew I was laying out on the ground, wings spread wide, my
left foot hurt like hell, and someone was grumbling. And it wasn’t
me.
And
then someone was laughing.
“Hot
diggity dang,” said Hermes, and he laughed again. “You punched a
god. Got me right in the temple, too! That stung quite a bit. If I
were human that would have been the end of the story for me! Why,
you’re almost bold enough to take on Zeus himself.”
And
then Ruth was bending over me. “Rani?
Are you okay?”
I
tried to relax my left foot. It didn’t move. “Emotionally,
I don’t know. Physically, I think I broke something.”
“Not
to worry,” said Hermes, “not to worry, I’ll take care of it.”
He twirled a long staff out of nowhere and tapped my leg with it.
Instantly the pain vanished. “Free of charge, my friend. For your
courage.”
I
flapped my wings awkwardly and managed to flip myself over. “Free
of charge, eh? No deals, no obligations? You’re easier to work with
than Artemis.”
“I
try to be,” said Hermes. “Travelers need help, not arrogance.”
“Oh
really,”
said
Ruth. “And
what do postal workers need, then? You gave us something that would
have harmed them.”
“Don’t
make a federal case out of it,” said Hermes. “Sheesh! The bag was
supposed to give you a bunch of coins if you were in the post office
and blow you far away from each other if you opened it beforehand.
Standard storybook test of character! Uh – what happened to that
bag anyway? I didn’t see you use it in there.”
I
looked back at the mountain. Rook was still there, crouched beneath a
fir tree, waiting and watching. Good bird.
“A
crow told us big things would happen if we used it,”
said
Ruth, “So
we thought it was dangerous – which apparently it was – and Rook
ate it. And then he horked up lightning everywhere. Caused kind of a
ruckus. You didn’t notice?”
Hermes
snorted. Then he chuckled. Then he guffawed, falling onto his rear
and rolling on the ground.
“You
didn’t notice.”
“I
can’t – ha, ha ha ha! I can’t notice everything, birdie! I’m
a busy god! There’s so many roads in this country!” He caught his
breath, and slowly rose to his feet.
“Maybe
that’s a good sign,”
I
said. “If
Mister Vacation Insurance here has to keep track of all the roads,
maybe Zeus is busy keeping track of all the airplanes. But oh, what a
shame you’re the only one keeping track of the roads, my dear Great
Spirit! If there were only others like you who could share the load!
But no, those are all gone for some damn reason. I bet you know what
happened to them. How long have you and your family been here?”
“Wouldn’t
you like to know,” said Hermes.
“What
I want to know,”
said
Ruth, “Is
what you meant when you said you don’t like Doctor Morrow. Because
the bag you gave us had his scent all over it, so to speak. Did you
swipe the thing from him?”
Hermes
looked nervous. “Well, ah, that’s a little complicated –”
“He’s
working for Doctor Morrow but he hates it,”
I
said. “Am
I right?”
Hermes
pursed his lips, but said nothing.
“Which
raises the question of who the hell could actually compel an Olympian
to do anything. Hopefully not God himself, if he reached into the
world that much we’d all be screwed. It’s not anything human,
either. It’s either something out of the depths of Tartarus, which
is unlikely, because that would have shaken the earth and we would
have felt it from here, OR it’s another Olympian. Unless Doctor
Morrow has some kind of Super Science to surpass the Olympians, in
which case Zeus should have just sent a whirlwind to destroy Doctor
Morrow and taken care of the fellow. Or…does it have anything to do
with that frightening presence in the woods of the mainland?”
Hermes
now looked frightened. “Shit, kid, you know about that one? Don’t
talk about it. I’m handling it. Alright? Never mind. Look, there’s
a lot going on here that you don’t understand, and if Doc Morrow
gets wind that I gave you any details of him then I’m screwed. So
forget that. Just get to Lake Superior. And before you ask, no, I
can’t lend you a car to get across the plains. The plains aren’t
safe. Not for you.”
Ruth
tilted her head in confusion. “What
do you mean?”
Suddenly
the air felt a little colder.
“Get
the hell out of here,” said Hermes. “Take a route where they
won’t see you coming. Go.” He gave me a gentle shove by the
shoulders. “Don’t wait, don’t hesitate, just go. I’ll try to
give you whatever blessings I can. GO.”
I
didn’t wait for another word, but took to the air as Ruth took to
her heels. Each in our own way, we raced toward the distant
mountaintop.