MMS is a modern revival of an ancient game
that must have been played by the Mayan Civilization
. It is a sport
not unlike American Soccer or European Futbol, though one cannot deny the fishing
, amputational, and general abuse toward all living things aspects of the game.
The most talented of the two-legged bipeds shall play in a field with chigger infested grass approximately 3 to 4 feet in height. The grass should be infested with copperhead snakes and deadly Indian scorpions, both of which should be properly taunted with hot, pointed sticks to the point of instant aggression. At mid-field, a bear cave should be constructed of tick-infested paper and fecal glue. The bear will serve as a clubbin' bastard of all approaching players. The players will be totally naked except for 45 pounds of recently killed fish strapped to strategic points on their bodies, including arms, legs, and the ever precious ankle of protection power. The bear beats all who approach -- except those who carry the glowing honeycomb which is obtained from crocodile moats at each teams goal lines. Before each game, if available, a human will be tossed in similar fashion to that of a coin. The tossed human shall be a child, preferably of ripe age and breeding, minimally moistened for maximum flippage.
Rules of the "Game"
Players may use snakes as defensive tools against other players and the bear. Fecal glue from the bear's cave may be used to create a Snapion.
If the Bear dies, the dead bear will be replaced by the Bear's mate who was taunted by honeycombs just outside of its reach. The Bear's mate will be stored in a flaming torture pit beneath the visiting teams bleachers. It will become enraged by its mate's whippage by snakes, scorpions and/or snapions. Upon entering the field, the dead Bear's mate will be engulfed in flames by attendants. He will be begin to search for human blood to extinguish the flames. Buckets of human blood and sweat will be dumped on the players creating further panic. If the dead bear's mate is also killed, a bear with crocodile arms will follow. Then a plane will crash into the field causing a tie.
To score, a dysentery-infected goalie must create a diversion by throwing his own disembodied arms using fecal glue and fireworks. This diversion distracts the crocodiles so the other players will be able to get the glowing honeycomb. The players must use the comb to appease the killer bees as they sneak through the tall grass. They must leave the comb for the bees because the power of the comb strengthens the bee community. The player cannot turn his back on the bees, but also must be wary of the snakes and scorpions which nip at rear, for he has seen the power of the comb.
If a player breaks the perimeter of mating pelicans, he is out-of-bounds. He is forced to enter the chain of mating pelicans. A portion of his neck will later be removed to feed young cubodiles.
Each quarter is four hours long and the game will continue until all players are damaged and the Bear has been beaten bald. Before the game, players must remove the Bear's joints and penis with duct tape. The Bear's inner thighs will be super glued and sewn together forcing the scrotum into unusual positions. The player's are likely to have sympathy because their left bicep will be glued to their face.
During the third quarter, the players may use rope due to its amazing abilities. Man, just think about all the shit rope can do.
Referees will be hand picked by snaggle toothed gas station attendants out of a line-up of sex-crazed defective robots.
One season lasts 6 years; the full mating season of the bear to accommodate hibernation. The Bear begins the season fresh from hibernation and by the end of the season is ripe for player ripping.
During playoffs, players must swallow a gross of of PCP pixie sticks. Then their spines will be removed by the Bear. All feet shall be stumpified and replaced by leather bags which will also be filled with a gallon of red sangria, which may not be spilled. Quantities of all creatures will increase by 100% every quarter. As well, scorpions will have morphine in their pointy things.
Losers will be beaten with the winners' spines, after which the spines will be returned along with a fine tall glass of foot sangria. The reward and incentive to win is that you don't have to compete any more until next season, though this is also true for the losing team. The next season begins 4 days from the championship.