I can count on three fingers the times I have had a beer and really enjoyed it for the flavor and not just the buzz. I can't remember how much I drank on Saturday night. I can never remember how much I drink because I drink until I black out.

Not: Black out, fall down, pass out, wake up, and feel silly.

But: Black out and CONTINUE to drink, become easy to provoke, hostile, violent, crude, Terrible, dangerous, monkey, pig, vampire, rapist, thief, murderer.

It is fucking up my otherwise normal life. It is fucking up my self perception. It is fucking me up.

It has been well over 18 hours since the hang-over subsided so I can say with great confidence that the physical pain of recovering from a night of hard drinking is not the reason.

I have a problem with alcohol. I drink too much.

Not: I drink all the time and can't lead a normal life.

But: I drink very rarely but when I do, I drink too much and don't stop, can't be stopped, and will continue until I run out of money or alcohol.

I have tried to stop drinking in the past with some success. I was even working at a bar when I made that decision. I made it for a long time. I know that I can still enjoy myself in a social setting where alcohol is present as long as I am not the one drinking it.

My drinking has come close to destroying my life for the last time. I am making the decision to refrain from drinking alcohol.

My family would suggest that I find Jesus and take comfort in the strength of our Lord and Savior.

And I probably would except that I detest addicts that turn to religion. That, and I don't really believe all that fairy tale shit.

I believe that I am responsible for my actions and the consequences of those actions.

I do not believe in the angels in heaven. I am not afraid of the fires of hell. Jesus Christ ain't going to bail me out of this shit.

The heaven that I believe in is enlightenment. The hell that I fear is moving backwards on the path to that enlightenment- having to repeat lessons that I didn't learn.

They were right.

I believe with my whole heart that self control is one of the lessons that I have not learned, that this is important.

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