Loquita. The darling senorita of the fountain. How did you allow the festering pulse of moJoe to infect your fertile loins? The loins destined for greatness in your own nation?

Loquita. La senorita bonita de la fuente. ¿Cómo permitió usted el festering pulso de moJoe a infectar sus lomos fértiles? ¿Los lomos destinados para la grandeza de su propia nación?

It was ordained that you, sweet Loquita, would lead the peoples of your land out of bondage here in ol' Mexico. How did you forget? How could you abandon us in this way?

All for the love of that gringo, buzz cut, psychopath that you called moJoe.

Se ha ordenado que usted, la dulce Loquita, dirija a la gente de esta tierra fuera de la esclavitud aquí en ol' México. ¿Cómo se pudo olvidar? ¿Cómo nos podía abandonar en esta manera? Todo para el amor de ese gringo, el pelón, psycópata que usted llamaba moJoe.

Ah, now I see the ruination of us all, as a people, all due to this interloper called the internet. It stole into our happy hacienda as a thief without shame. And you have been called away to some suburb in our enemy to the North, all by the wiles of some fast-talking, duplicitous white man. It shames us so.

Y ahora, mientras veo nuestra ruinación, todo por la culpa de este intruso llamado la red. Robó nuestro feliz hogar como un ladrón sin vergüenza. Y usted ha sido enviado a algún suburbio lejos, en nuestro enemigo al Norte, todo por la voluntad de un guero que habla rapidísimamente, y que está lleno de promesas falsas. Nos avergüenza tanto.

Had it been a Ricky Martin, we would have understood.

Our only concern now is of your health. There are rumors that you may not be well.

Federales are on their way, our lovely desert flower.

Si fuera Ricky Martin, hubieramos endentido. Nuestra única preocupación ahora es de su salud. Hay rumores de que su salud no esté bien. Los agentes federales están activadas su manera, nuestra flor encantadora del desierto.

Loquita. The darling senorita of the fountain. How did you do that thing that you did with your well trained loins? The loins of steel; how do you get muscle control like that?

It may have been ordained that you, sweet Loquita, would lead the peoples of your land out of bondage here in ol' Mexico, but seriously, have you considered making a career change?

When your father's kitchen staff told me that you could suck the spots off of a leopard, they weren't fucking kidding!

No, no, of course you can stay at my place until you get on your feet. I know a lot of people that are going to want to... talk with you, my little desert flower. I still can't believe I met you through a Love@AOL personal add. God bless the Internet!

Of course you can meet Ricky in America, I have his number in my dayplanner. We go way back. He is one sexy bitch; isn't he?

Oh that? Its just a zipper burn, these jeans are too tight. Don't sweat it.

Yes, so you keep telling me, and I keep telling you: Your father can try to send them after me but not only am I paying off El Capitan, As soon as we cross the border; we are home free.

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