There are two things you have to understand here. First, the Tooth Fairy is much more powerful than most people imagine. Second, she's a complete fucking lush.

I first met her in a bar, a few thousand years ago (please understand that time works very differently than you probably imagine.) I'd heard about her, of course - her exploits were legendary, especially when she was still dating Jesus. Still, it was something else to see her: four inches tall, with purplish skin and a gauzy lavender dress that hid very little, perched on the rim of a Long Island Ice Tea that was taller than she was, and twitching her wings from time to time to keep her balance.

I sat down next to her and she looked up at me, blinked coquettishly, and promptly fell into her drink, coming up to tread water as she drank. She finally got some purchase on an ice cube, climbed out and flitted into the air, her dress now sodden and fully transparent.

I know what you're wondering. But despite His other flaws, Jesus was always the perfect gentleman toward women, and never told me anything about the physical . . . logistics . . . of their relationship. We weren't really in touch at that point anyway; we had been casual acquaintances at one point, but we never really got to know each other well until after they'd broken up. I'd heard some of the stories, most of which involved bar fights or drunken pranks they pulled on Satan.

Anyway, the Tooth Fairy was pretty wasted when I came in, and we made some conversation for a few minutes but it became clear pretty quickly that she was done for the night. She had begun ranting to me and the entire bar about how the damn kids today drink too fucking much soda. "It rots their goddamn teeth before I even get a hold of them," she yelled. I was (for once) practicing moderation and I ended up offering her a ride home, since I didn't trust her to fly there herself.

She sat on my shoulder as I walked to my car, and we started for her house. I tried my best to keep her coherent enough to give me directions. When we got to her house, though, she started muttering, "Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit," and I figured she had to puke so I leaned over and opened her door but when I looked out, I could see the real reason she was upset. Jesus was there in the ostentatious white robes He'd been wearing since He and the Tooth Fairy had broken up. It was closing in on 2,000 years since the breakup at this point and I guess He was in a sentimental mood because He'd been drinking too, judging by the pile of boozey-smelling vomit in the grass, and now He was hammering together a makeshift cross out of lumber He'd found God knows where. When He saw her He bellowed something about how much He'd suffered for her, and how the whole goddamn crucifixion was her fucking fault, and is that what she wanted? Just to watch Him fucking suffer? "Fine then. You get your wish, you cunt!" He finished, and slumped down leaning on His knees at the base of the cross.

He was sort of right about the crucifixion, though. It wasn't her fault, really, but He was pretty broken up after she dumped Him, and that's what made Him go on some hippie kick and descend to Earth to teach people about love and turning the other cheek. He managed to find a bunch of followers, but He never could keep His damn mouth shut. He ended up pissing off some minor politicians, and you probably know the rest. Rumor has it He had an affair with some chick He met down there, but He still claims they were just friends.

I ended up letting Him move in with me after that, and He stayed for a few years. I basically did it as a favor for His father. Me and YHWH and Mohammed (pbuh) had been drinking buddies ever since we met, and Jesus needed a place to stay and get His shit together. He was a shitty roommate, though. He didn't have a job, so He basically sponged off of me. I kept telling Him to get another carpenter gig; I thought it would help get His mind off the Tooth Fairy. But He just watched soaps and ate Cheetos all day long. Eventually I threw Him out; the last straw was one night when I came home from work and found Him meditating (He'd decided He was a Buddhist after the crucifixion) next to a bong that He'd used to smoke the last of my weed.

YHWH said He wasn't mad at me, but we weren't really pals after that either. It was just as well, anyway - the bar scene was getting old, and YHWH was mellowing out a little. (He used to be a real badass - the same night he smote Sodom, He started a legendary bar brawl with Ahura Mazda that got us declared persona non grata at the bar but ended up with Him having a threesome with these crazy sorority girls who were impressed by the fight. I don't even know how it started - we were just sitting there drinking some beer and next thing I knew, YHWH was just wailing on him and screaming, "I am that I am, motherfucker! I am that I am!") Me and YHWH drifted apart after Jesus moved out of my house. Last I heard, few years later Mohammed (pbuh), who by all accounts has become a really upstanding guy since then, ended up joining AA and drying out.

Anyway, Jesus was still curled up at the base of His cross, and the Tooth Fairy at this point was apologizing profusely. "I'm really sorry you had to see this. I haven't seen Him in years; I really thought He was over it. This is so embarrassing." She flitted off a few feet and I could hear her yelling at Jesus to get the fuck out of there, and call her sometime when He was sober.

He wasn't moving, so I walked over and lifted Him to His feet, and half-carried Him to my car. He blinked at me, noticing my for the first time. "Oh, hey, dude. Long time no see," He murmured, as I attempted to stuff Him into my car.

"We're gonna go now, Jesus," I told him. "Just give me a sec."

I went to talk to the Tooth Fairy. "Look, thank you so much for dealing with Him. I had no idea He still wanted me," she told me. Her party-girl appearance was starting to fade a little; she looked pretty exhausted and she was starting to shiver in her still-wet dress. "You've been a really nice guy tonight. If I wasn't so embarrassed about this, I'd ask you to call me up sometime."

I held her close to me for warmth, and told her that she had nothing to be embarrassed about. "I'll call you, I promise," I said, as I headed back to my car. I got in and started to drive. I looked over at my passenger, who had slumped against the door and started rubbing His temples. "Jesus H. Christ, look at yourself!" I yelled at Him, suddenly really pissed off. "You're really fucking pathetic, You know that? Two thousand fucking years and You're still carrying a torch for this girl. You're a fucking adult. She doesn't need this kind of drama." Which wasn't really fair, probably - I'd heard stories about the drama she had started with Him.

He didn't seem injured by my comments, though. He just looked up at me, blinked a few more times, and said, "Jesus H. Christ? You know my middle name is Shlomo, asshole." He leaned against the door again and I think He fell asleep before I could tell Him that it's just an expression. I would have been perfectly happy to let Him sleep, but I had to wake Him up enough to ask where He lived.

"I'm crashing with Vishnu right now. Just make a left at the first corner."

"You're living a block from your ex-girlfriend?" I exclaimed.

"Dude, don't you know anything? He's Narasimha, the man-lion, and he's omnipresent. Wherever you are, his house is on your next left. It's actually really convenient."

Anyway, so I drove Jesus back to Vishnu's place. I tried hard to avoid being around Him after that. It was depressing to see Him - still after the Tooth Fairy, still living in someone else's house. I ended up seeing the Tooth Fairy a few times, but like I said, she's a drunk. I just felt like I didn't need that at that point in my life. She was pretty hot, and don't get me wrong - she's a lot of fun. But I got tired of that whole scene and she didn't have much else going. I hear she started a band a few hundred years ago, and she called me a couple times to see if I'd go to a gig, but I never got around to it.

Last I heard, Jesus was dating some kami but I don't think it lasted real long. He ended up moving to Wisconsin to "live deliberately" somewhere in the woods, so I guess I wish Him all the best. I don't know. Some people are just lost souls and all you can hope is that they get their own shit together.

Anyway, I just got tired of seeing the same old faces all the time. That's how I ended up here in New York. Isn't that why everyone's here, to see some new faces and try not to see the old ones?

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