An endless evening of unspeakable delights awaits you
at the Boston E2 Severed Head Barbeque.

Saturday, August 11, 2001


As the ox is gored, the band will play --
With severed heads a-sputter on the grill!


...and a sweet savor will arise unto the heavens.


You're all invited to the party, even if you'd rather not be.

The angular severed limbs and rolling heads will roast over an open fire for your enjoyment, a spectacle of pure gastronomic delight. It's a pity about the ox, but the vittles are bound to be scrumptious. And did we mention liquor? There will be liquor, there will be proteins, fats, and starches -- and then there will be more liquor.


Insensate revellers lulled by the howls of the unshriven dead!


Eleven cripples will dance madly to the grating dissonance of paretic trumpeters1. Blinded larks will sing ever so sweetly as they weep eyeless tears on the bloodied ground. Grim and hooded flensers will carve the charrèd flesh served up on plates of stone. The Bull of Heliogabalus2 will crown the fun.

You will be amazed, we guarantee it.


August 11, 2001

At Cow of Doom's house. This is not a drill.

You WILL attend!

YOU DARE NOT DENY US.





1Paresis.

2A hollow iron bull wherein the mad emperor Heliogabalus roasted slaves alive at imperial banquets. I am not making this up.



The weasels are coming to get you, to get you!

Where the hell else would you want to have a hangover... HUH?!?!
Don't forget to sign up for the BAP humiliating dump truck hazing ritual!!!

It is mandatory that somewhere in this writeup you see the following word:

wicked
in context: the E2 Boston Hangover will be wicked pissa!

If you speak that word while you are here, do it right or don't do it at all. You will embarass yourself before you even open your mouth.

Speak to drunkenmonkey if you want to volunteer for the fellatio barn...

I have been known to be partial to tequila, so there will be most certainly some of that. Since I must drive there, I'll probably end up bring a noder or two (names TBA, see above list). And if there aren't more noders jammed in the back of my car, then guaranteed there will be booze back there.

That will be all for now... carry on...


note: I've decided we shall also need special brownies for this day... I am all over that.

HOH MY GOD!

AUGUST 11TH. A DAY THAT WILL LIVE IN, LIKE, WICKED INFAMY!

In hope of making up for my lowly level two status

I pledge to bring:

  • ALL THE SEVERED HEADS YOU CAN EAT!note: severed heads not included
  • Plenty of CHEAP STOGIES!
  • HOT NAKED CHICKS! note: "hot naked chicks" may consist of old pornos with sticky pages... *ahem*
  • One extra meaty, bruised buttock chewing, eardrum blasting, transport vehicle of DEATH! You got it...my cah (or "car" for those of you outside the city). /msg me if you need a ride.
  • This wacked-up, funky-shit, <li> will remain TBA. Thank you.
  • My initials, BJO, which will undoubtably provide for hours of hilarity! Just think of the possibilities! BJ! BO! My GOD will the FUN EVER END?!?!
  • ONE HUGE SIX-FOOT-FIVE MUTHA (me) TO HELP WHEN WE RUMBLE WITH THE BO-PO. "huge" may actually mean "kinda scrawny"
  • One exta-strength, dent-proof, fire-hardened sense of humor.


LET THE IMBIBATION BEGIN!

The deed is done. See:

and now back to the original writeup, already in progress...

NODERS!
ARE YOU READY TO HAVE YOUR GUTS KICKED OUT!?

COMING AUGUST 11TH1
-=* A NODER GATHERING UNLIKE ANYTHING YOU HAVE EXPERIENCED BEFORE2 *=-

Location: COW OF DOOM (tm) ENTERPRISES WORLD HEADQUARTERS AND ZOMBIE FARM
Time: You and I both know that even if I give a very precise time and issue everyone synchronized watches, not one single person will arrive on time. So let's say "Afternoon".
Activities: ALL-OUT WAR on our respective livers, severed-head roasting, fisticuffs
Obligatory Simpsons quote / wicked usage: "This is a wicked paaahty, huh?" 3
Alternate opening line for this writeup: PREPARE TO BE FUCKED IN THE BRAIN BY THE PENIS OF FUN ITSELF!

That's right. It's coming. This one isn't going to be in Boston proper, since our guerilla-style drinking tactics have not been well received by local law enforcement. To avoid anymore needless (though wildly entertaining) bloodshed, we're retreating to my super-secret lair in the suburbs, where we can ensure that any and all bloodshed will be well-deserved.

Meat will be grilled. No doubt soy will as well, since it forms you strongly, as ze Germans say. Sadly I do not own a grill, so one will have to be provided. Or we can just dig a big pit in my backyard, fill it with firewood and motor oil, and LET 'ER RIP!

If you're the type of person who needs more entertainment than intoxication, my house has all the usual niceties: stereo, DVD player, various video game systems (Crazy Taxi, woo!), ungodly numbers of computers and network cables running everywhere, and two small cats who will eat bugs and allow you to rub their tummies. But that's it. So bring musical instruments, lawn darts, Rock'em Sock'em Robots, and whatever else will hold your attention until we can get the fire under the Bull of Heliogabalus lit.

And, then, of course, there's booze. I already have a mostly-stocked pseudo-bar. There will likely be a keg. And no drunken debauch would be complete without a kiddie pool full of ice and beers. But you are welcomed and encouraged to bring booze of yer own.

Directions:
COW OF DOOM (tm) Enterprises World HQ is currently located in scenic Chelmsford, Massachusetts. My address is on my homenode. Try getting directions on your favorite on-line map maker; I use randmcnally.com.
(note: actual driving directions removed to placate nervous roommates, /msg me your email address or email wwoods@cowofdoom.com and I'll send them to you)

Dude. Can I crash at your place?
Yes! There's an extra bedroom, a finished basement, a couple of couches, and plenty of floor space. We used to even have extra mattresses but they were destroyed during previous parties,4 so you will want to bring a sleeping bag or something to sleep on. If people want to come down for the weekend that's cool too, and I'm sure that some of the other Boston Noders will be able to put people up as well. Whatever fits your travel plans. We Are Here To Serve You5

...More details as I think of them...

BE THERE OR PERISH IN FLAMES!



1People are welcome to come early and stay late but the Drunken Severed-Head Roast will be Saturday afternoon.
2Unless you've already had dysentery.
3From the St. Patrick's Day episode. Some guy in a Red Sox shirt climbs into Kent Brockman's booth and delivers this famous line.
4Really.
5By "Serve You" we mean "get you drunk and steal your wallet".

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!!
PRESENTING
an E2 GATHERING that can easily be likened to a CONDOM OF UNUSED PROPORTIONS!!


BEAR WITNESS TO THE SHOCKING CLIMAX

we're going to leave that one alone for a second...
...okay. go...

THE SHOCKING CLIMAX OF THE ONGOING BATTLE BETWEEN THE BAP and WHARFINGER!!

Blood will be shed! Clothes will be shed! There will be no sound but the EAR SPLITTING SQUEAL OF GUITARS, THEREMIN, AND BUCK NAKED CHEERLEADERS!

Yes, you heard me correctly. The climactic battle between the BAP and wharfinger will take place during our
ALL OUT E2 BOSTON FUCKFEST ROCK-A-THON!!!

So DO NOT bring your grandparents. You've been warned.


IN THE BAP CORNER:

AND, IN WHARFINGER'S CORNER:

  • Whar "I ♥ Kitties" Finger! Rhythm guitar! Evil presence! Duplicate personas galore! Surprise witnesses, each more surprising than the last!

AND, BACKING UP THE BATTLE UNTIL THEY'RE FORCED TO CHOOSE A SIDE:

Will there be MORE CONTENDERS for the title of ULTIMATE E2 BADASS? BEATS THE UNHOLY LIVING SHITBAGS OUT OF ME!

GET YOURSELF READY FOR THE ROCK BATTLE WHERE NOTHING IS SACRED!

EVERYTHING IS SHOCKING!

AND NOTHING WILL PREPARE YOU FOR THE FINAL SKULL FUCK FINALE!!


Tickets available at all TicketBastard outlets. All sales subject to a 500% service charge. No refunds, no deposit, no return. Sorry, no C.O.D.'s (except for Cow Of Doom). Don't make us hunt you down. We know where you live, we know where your family lives, we know where that guy you cut off in traffic lives. We are the alpha. We are the omega. We are unstoppable. Local restrictions may apply.
After
<------------------------------------------> This was the first - and last time I ever met Hermetic in person.

For many, this was the last time. I told him once that I looked forward to doing this again next year. It was a lot of fun.

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