Lemon Stealing Whore is a ridiculous pornographic movie. This isn't one of those videos that's just sort of porn, it's pretty hardcore. Definitely NSFW. That said, here's the link.

The video apparently takes place in a world where lemons are an extremely valuable commodity. The opening scene is really the best part, and I would strongly recommend watching it for its comedic value (You can stop when the chick starts licking the dude's pants, but it's probably nothing you haven't seen before). Now, I'm not going to describe the entire video what the hell, sure I will. It opens on a young couple sitting outside on a bench talking about how much they love lemons, and specifically, the lemon tree in their yard. They express concern about the local population of Lemon Stealing Whores, meanwhile a whore dressed only in red fishnet and black heels is stuffing lemons into her garment. The couple returns their attention to their precious lemon tree and upon seeing the whore, leap into action. The stolen lemons are recovered, and the woman leaves to put them somewhere safe. The accosted whore kneels down, and the man whips out his...Jeez, you know, I might be about done here. Suffice it to say, they fuck. After moving indoors, the man and the lemon whore do all number of naughty things while the woman masturbates in a decidedly uncomfortable looking position.

What's really great about this film is the actors. They are obviously aware of how ridiculous the script is, and the man especially has a hard time keeping a straight face. All in all, it's one of the worst things I've seen. Speaking as someone who enjoyed "The Black Mask," I think it's how bad this film is that makes it so fantastic. This movie is so bad it rivals Tom Green's "Freddy Got Fingered." It really makes you wonder who's out there writing things like this...

***Warning: Graphic porn description to follow***


Having now watched the vid reviewed here, I feel compelled to write a more detailed "blow-by-blow" of the action portion of the vid -- sorry but "Suffice it to say, they fuck" just doesn't cut it for the greater portion of the action. Because, let's face it, since the time of the Marquis de Sade's 120 Days of Sodom, perhaps even since the days of the Satyricon of Petronius, how we fuck -- and how we depict fucking in the popular media of our day -- has proved to be as important a barometer of who we are as a society as how we eat, dress, and study.

See, what actually happens is not just that the whore kneels and the porn action starts, but that the dude (who happens to be James Deen, yay) slaps the whore right across her whore face and the dude's girlfriend or wife (or whatever she is) tells the dude to 'teach her a lesson' -- which the dude does essentially by.... warning for the prudish or weak of stomach, it's going to be endlessly graphic and detailed from here on out.... grabbing her by the throat and shoving her to right to her knees and then fucking her whore mouth. There's a difference, you see, between a blowjob and a mouthfucking, the former being more or less passive on the part of the men getting pleasured, and the latter being quite the opposite, almost passive on the part of whoever's mouth is being used, the pleasure receiver expending all the energy in fucking that mouth.

So then the dude's girlfriend comes back out and, well I don't know about you but if my girlfriend came out and saw me mouthfucking a lemon thief, she'd be nonplussed. But this chick is like, 'yeah that's right, that's what you get for stealing our lemons' (her exact words are "gag on his cock, you whore!!") -- but then she decides that the lemon whore is good enough to get 'a bushel of lemons' if she'll come in the house and do as good a job. So in the house they go, and what follows is not simple fucking, but assfucking (for which the whore begs, time and again), interrupted by a brief episodes of aggressive ass to mouth, accompanied by a lot of whore-slapping -- in the face, on the ass, even on her tits. There is hair-pulling, being spat upon, and some choking, which is worrisome until the whore gasps out (quite convincingly) 'I love to be choked.' Oh, and an unsatisfyingly short moment of whore-to-girlfriend cunnilingus, and some shoving of the title lemons in various of the whore's orifices. Lemon-related comments pervade the scene.

The vid ends with the dude exploding his ejaculate across the backs of both women, who are side by side in opposite directions; the whore laps up what of it is on the girlfriend's back, then spits it into the girlfriend's mouth (hey, I warned you several times about the graphicness).... then the dude tells her, 'that's what you get for stealing lemons, don't steal anymore' -- and then, after the dude and his girl walk away, the whore deadpans to the camera: 'I'm gonna steal lemons every day!!'

The End.

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