The Surgery

And as I cruelly dangled the creature's entrails inches above it, and played them about in its face, it made a ghastly roar, evoking images of tortured spirits and cornered beasts.

The screws were loosened, but the pickguard stayed in place, bound in its seat by the tight strings. I fixed a wary gaze on the strings tuned to D, A, F, C, G, and D in sequence. Dare I loosen them, and endanger the fragile situation of the neck? Dare I did. Gradually, I pulled the entrails from the body, and loosened the strings enough to allow it freedom.

Success eventually came, with the creature stripped of all its insides, hanging by a tether. The pickguard came out without my having to remove the strings. I wondered what a Stratocaster would sound like if i scraped the bottom of the pickups against the strings, with the amp on and the distortion on. The normal buzzing got way worse, so I rolled back the tone knobs to cure it a bit. And as I cruelly dangled the creature's entrails inches above it, and played them about in its face, it made a ghastly roar, evoking images of tortured spirits and cornered beasts. That noise was awesome! With the distortion it sounded like some kind of dying monster! Anyway, that was my fun.

Spam

I started receiving this particular flavour of Spam about two weeks ago. The first one to hit my Inbox announced it's presence with the usual little chime and a flashing highlight in my Inbox tab.

I gave it a cursory glance, and no more, since like most people in this day and age I have become inured to the presence of spam as a quotidian task of clearing them out of my inbox, and I am resigned to the fact that in spite of my best efforts there will always be one waiting for me some morning or other.

This one had a large animated image advertising personal loans, and was followed by a stream of gibberish, highlighted in odd places;

Sent : 18 Jun 2004 03:55:26
Subject : for 53 and

But they need to remember how often behind bubble bath daydreams.But they need to remember how often satellite over cough syrup daydreams.For example, beyond recliner indicates that particle accelerator behind teach earring over food stamp.bartender give secret admirer financial aid to turn signal related to philosopher.Carmine, the friend of Carmine and returns home with earring around grain of sand.But they need to remember how carelessly gypsy behind hesitates. bolster mutant spittle transient paramagnetic neuropsychiatric.

The frequency of these messages began to increase over the following three, maybe four days, until the point where I was getting around a half dozen a day.
I was starting to get edgy about these messages. Especially when it had been a long hard day, and wracked with headache and fatigue, I re-read the most recent ones.

Sent : 28 Jun 2004 00:02:30
Subject : tea party bodice rippers living with 351

Sometimes roller coaster of daydreams, but mirror of always satiate inside ski lodge! Why? When you see fetishist from food stamp, it means that somnambulist beyond starts reminiscing about lost glory.Most dahlias believe that around cyprus mulch caricature toward sandwich, won't you?. When near cup earns frequent flier miles, living with toothpick starts reminiscing about lost glory.A few fetishists response, and toward corporation) to arrive at a state of turn signal carrageen contraband athabascan agenda schenectady ephemeral noxious to me??.

The mails started to pile into my Inbox at a rate of 20 a day. The meaning, never clear, started to take on the quality of a ghost, vaguely visible at the edge of sight. I started to feel uncontrollably guilty, for I know not what. But still I'd click the delete button, and still the mails would come.

It began to effect my work. It began to effect my sleep. My appetite dwindled to nothing. I knew, every night and every morning that as soon as I arrived into work they would wait for me.

I called in sick to work. But there, at my personal email address sat 30 new emails, sent ten milliseconds apart, all saying the same thing;

Sent : 02 Jul 2004 04:10:06
Subject : bullfrog 103 taxidermists

If around asteroid approach customer related to, then dilettante toward light bulb daydreams.salad dressing around, lover inside, and widow beyond bartender are what made America great! Furthermore, why do ballerina related to meditates, and from you run umbrella write a from my love letter to fairy toward tomato?? concurred quite hearten collude gangplank led.

I've begun to ignore the phone, opting to stay indoors. I don't open the curtains. And this torment, is driving me a little further down the slope every day. They keep coming, flashing, taunting me.

Why won't they stop?

Sent : 18 May 2004 19:09:52
Subject : toward 6 because

And cook cheese grits for the dark side of her paycheck.over line dancer negotiate a prenuptial agreement with waif defined by.shadow negotiate a prenuptial agreement with paycheck about Why won't you love me?.Lionel, the friend of Lionel and leaves with parking lot of. loge broccoli delusion patrick epithet delicti whippet.

My best insult ever

This was directed at some wanker who advocated mass murder of the poor and believed that he was above everyone else due to his wealth on the ChavScum forums. Sorry if it offends anyone, I was *very* pissed off and have a predisposition for using the word "cunt" to refer to wankers.

---

Nickzer, you little shit.

You pestulant little turd in the vast unspoilt ocean of humanity. You complete whining loser. You utter bastard, a complete waste of human life, someone so obviously created as the result of an unholy relationship between dog and brick.

I hate you. I hope you fall off a cliff, but just before you hit the bottom (which, I failed to add, is covered in tetanus/AIDS infected spikes) some poor people shoot you repeatedly with harpoons while screaming "Shoot the cunt, he doesn't deserve to live anyway".

You pathetic, evil vermin. You arsehole. You lazy wanker. You utter fool. I can't carry on putting in all these negatives, so here's some positives.

• You aren't dead, so people can still shoot you.
• You're also easy to spot so people can shoot you. Anyone can spot you, you're the one running down the street, spots aflame, suit freshly dry cleaned and pressed, Nazi armband glittering in the afternoon sun, screaming "SIEG HEIL" and singing "Deutschland Uber Alles" loudly and off key.
• You're on this forum, so people can insult you and hopefully track you down by IP address, until ChavScum bans you again.

So you're elitist. w00t for you. I have no idea which elite you belong to which you can look down on us from, as frankly your being a complete wanker whose political views would make Stalin look like a raving leftie liberal precludes your being above anybody aside from rats, and even they're considering a rebellion. In this grand game of chess called life, you aren't even the pawn-you're Colonel Mustard in the conservatory with the candlestick. Why? BECAUSE YOU SHOULDN'T BE IN THIS GRAND GAME OF CHESS CALLED LIFE! YOU SHOULD BE ON SATANS FUCKING CLUEDO BOARD BEING ASSRAPED BY EVERYONE ELSE, BECAUSE YOU CAN'T PAY OFF PEOPLE WANTING TO BUMRAPE YOU WITH DADDY'S MAGIC CREDIT CARD ANY MORE! You SAD, PATHETIC waste of good chemical elements. Nowhere on Earth is desolate or polluted enough for you to blend in naturally. You actually repel pollution with your disgustingness. You're such a pathetic excuse for humanity that even fucking nuclear waste avoids you, let alone girls you sad sack.

I hope ChavScum bans you, and then finds your IP address and sets his server up so when you access this forum you get sent to pictures of dead babies. No, scratch that, Goatse. No, I know what will piss you off: poor people. Yup. You come on ChavScum to troll and instead you get to look at all the people that have to put up with your head-up-arsedness every day of your life, to paint your house, deliver your furniture, make your expensive coffee (you do realise that expensive coffee in "exclusive" coffee shops is a con and you actually get bumraped? Actually, I don't care, I hope Starbucks/Caffe Nero/whatever bankrupt you and your fucking family and make you live on the streets) and generally do all the work that you've never had to do, because you're a rich Conservative (big C) Nazi (big N) wanker with all the gratitude, sharing attitude and kind-heartedness of Kim Jong Il, you stupid cunt. I don't want to know what your parents are like, to raise you like this and turn you into a fucking mentalist.

In conclusion, fuck you, and I hope that whatever children you have (god forbid, they'd probably look like the deformed babies at Greenpeace's website) die in horrible freak car crashes before any of your evil, elitist wanker attitudes rub off on them.

I HOPE YOU SUFFOCATE

(And I've probably broken all of the terms of service now, oh wait I haven't said anything homophobic or sexist, OK, gays suck, smack my bitch up. Bannable enough yet? BRING IT ON.)