I'm the second person who shouldn't be here, on E2. I should be taking my picture for the passport, paying the taxes, seeing my friends, going for mum's shopping items, see grandma and grandpa, and lot of things that, right now, pass my mind's gateway system.
I'll probably do these later on; now, I just have to get some stuff off my chest.
But, first, I'll go pull on my dress and sandals so that I could manage catching up a bit with time...
Last night, I cannot remember if it was You that I dreamed about, or actually You did call. The weirdest part is that I remember something related to you questioning me about dreams. Mine. And a lot of whispering.
Strange enough, my phone had restarted on its own, and shows no other proof of either hallucinations or reality.
But I sure remember You, that's a fact.
Meanwhile, whilst inhaling another dose of tar from my cigarettes, I continue to think about melting whispers along each other's epidermis...
It's been so little since our last good-bye, but I long for you in a horrible, terrible, almost hurting pleasure and lust.
I know I'm overheating my CPU here, 'cause nothing happened between us, in order to embed us both with such utopias about journeys onto each other's geography...But your voice...
Your voice is haunting.
It demolishes walls, erases distance, carrying such a force...
It instantly tears off my clothes and ravages my whole body...
It's a kind of magic...magic...(I'm secretly smiling inside, because I can hear that song right now...)
Was I dreaming last night?
Did you really say those things to me?!
Did you really sense how your voice affected me?
I don't have a clue...
Now it's almost half past four, and I am stranded here, inside my mother's Psychiatric Counselling Office, blowing bits&pieces of my boredomness along the strands of time.
Thing is, I shouldn't be here, because I'm on holliday, and I should go out, or read, or do whatever comes to mind...But she yelled at me that I'm a social parasite and don't do anything for her help, blahblah&jabba jabba...
I almost answered back, but I remembered in time to shut it.
Whilst I alone have not found the answers concerning myself.Meanwhile I sit quietly, pretending to be the perfect daughter, beautiffully shaped and formed, charmingly brilliant and utterly infected with sadness. 'Just smile and wave...'
I nodded and accepted my fate..Maybe someday, I will tell her what I really think of her job and her thesis on Life...
After all, she works wonders on others, but inside her own family there are rotting apples and crawling worms of decay.
Now it's well past sleeping for me, but I had this discussion at table which, once again, revived that dormant rebellion spirit inside. I was waiting for this. It's times like these when I can fully look inside me and clear things out. It's times like these when I must dissect myself, piece by piece, analyze each and every one, and then rearrange the puzzle. The restoration could be identical, or, could be better, depending on the flaws of pieces...It's like waiting for a storm to stir the waters...'Cause we all know you have to stir waters if you want to catch fish.
This is what I got from the stirring :
- my mum and dad hate each other and since they, somehow, made a truce between them not to separate, they had to avenge themselves somehow ;
- mum started early in filling my brains with crap about men and, especially, about dad;
- dad 'stepped on the light bulb' and had an affectionate issue with her sister(married at the time), thus (none of us really know for sure )possibly resulting my cousin, who could be, or could not be , more than my cousin;
- since this is held strictely under the rug, I only managed to reason this, partly from their behaviour, dropping in at the bad time in a conversation, and what each parent told us;
- so far we have our raising as siblings: "you two are cousins, though should love each other like siblings", both separate and common material goods, and really a lot of unanswered qestions;
- because of my indoctrination to believe certain things, I had a lot of trouble in following my heart and orders from my brain-dead cortex;
- thanks to education and grandparents(the only sane people I know!) I managed to obtain a proper image of values, dreams and Life;
- now, more than ever, I really stride to act all sheep and obey blindly, but something inside just broke and won't budge, won't submit in front of their 'ruling'
- this gap between all of us would never had taken place in the first place, if they(mostly mum) hadn't interferred in my internal affairs and feelings ;
- in the begining I complied, but having felt so miserable every single second, I decided to "screw their orders and advertisments, I'm supposed to live my life, not act to live my life"
Things are cool for the moment, but I can spot heavy clouds of tempest in the future. My ideologies have nothing to do with all that preaching back home, and I could never go along with something I had the slightest dislike for. Now I despise these.
I must come up with a mastermind plan. And soon.
Funny how You also hold a key-role in this porridge of sickness; may I never had met you, maybe all this would never have taken place...